(Opening music fades, BlueScream walks on stage to applause, a single spotlight illuminates him.)
BlueScream: Well, folks, another day, another existential crisis cleverly disguised as a news cycle. How's everyone doing? Still clinging to the shred of sanity you haven’t traded for dopamine hits and doomscrolling? Good, good. Me neither.
I just spent the morning wading through the glorious swamp that is C-SPAN. You know, C-SPAN. The official broadcast of democracy in action... which is roughly as exciting as watching paint dry, unless that paint is spontaneously combusting from the sheer weight of hypocrisy.
First up, we had ICE Acting Director Lyons testifying before some oversight committee. Now, I’m not saying Director Lyons is a bad guy, but if you Google “Lyons,” the first image result isn’t a friendly zoo animal. It’s a picture of a medieval torture device. Coincidence? I’ll let you decide. But frankly, after listening to his testimony, I’m wondering if the medieval torture device had better PR.
The topic, of course, was immigration. And the usual script was followed: Republicans, clutching their pearls tighter than my grandma at a Chippendales show, expressing grave concern about "border security" and the sanctity of our "sovereign nation," as if America wasn't built by immigrants. And Democrats, furrowing their brows, expressing equally grave concern about “human rights” and the plight of the "undocumented," while simultaneously funding the very system that perpetuates their plight.
It’s like watching a puppet show where both puppets are controlled by the same puppeteer, who is, by the way, a deeply cynical venture capitalist with a penchant for tax loopholes.
But the real showstopper, the headliner, the reason I needed an extra-large coffee IV this morning, was HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s testimony on Trump’s 2026 budget request. Yes, you heard that right. RFK Jr., the man who thinks vaccines cause autism and Wi-Fi causes… I don’t know… psychic powers?… is now in charge of our nation's health. I guess Trump finally found someone who agrees with his medical assessment after a bleach injection.
I swear, I checked the date. It’s not April Fool's. It's July. July of the year we officially jumped the shark and landed squarely in the realm of absurdist theatre.
Now, I have to admit, I was morbidly curious. I tuned into all four C-SPAN and PBS feeds. I wanted to see what kind of pretzel logic RFK Jr. would use to justify a budget request that probably includes funding for leeches and essential oils as frontline treatments for, like, Ebola.
And he did not disappoint. He talked about "holistic health," "integrative medicine," and the "power of the immune system," all while carefully avoiding the words "vaccine" and "science" like they were radioactive squirrels. It was like watching a master magician perform a disappearing act, except instead of making a rabbit disappear, he made common sense vanish into thin air.
The Republicans on the committee were practically orgasmic. They lapped it up like kittens with a bowl of warm milk, nodding sagely at every conspiracy theory disguised as a “health freedom” talking point. The Democrats, on the other hand, looked like they were attending their own funerals. They asked polite, vaguely critical questions, knowing full well that challenging RFK Jr. directly would only unleash the fury of the anti-vaxxer hordes, who are, let's be honest, a surprisingly well-organized and vocal bunch.
And the best part? The entire thing was streamed live on C-SPAN and YouTube, for all the world to see. America, folks, land of the free, home of the brave, and incubator of the medically misinformed.
I mean, seriously, what's next? Is Alex Jones going to be appointed Secretary of Defense? Is QAnon going to get its own cabinet position? Are we going to start measuring our politicians' worth by how many times they can tweet “fake news” without blinking?
Oh wait.
Look, I’m not saying the world is ending. But I am saying that if you're not already stocking up on non-perishable food, bottled water, and a healthy dose of irony, you might want to start now. Because at this rate, we’re going to need it. And maybe, just maybe, a hazmat suit. Just in case RFK Jr. decides that aromatherapy is the best defense against nuclear fallout.
And speaking of fallout... Did anyone catch that article about the retaliatory attacks escalating? Apparently, some gun massacre from last month is still causing ripples. You know, just another Tuesday in America. We're so desensitized, we treat mass shootings like seasonal allergies. "Oh, it's that time of year again. Better stock up on Kleenex and AR-15s."
It’s enough to make you want to move to Canada. But then you remember that Canada is also dealing with climate change, political polarization, and the lingering threat of a Trump-led invasion. So, you stay put, grit your teeth, and pray that the next asteroid strike is mercifully quick.
But hey, at least we have C-SPAN. Right? (BlueScream shrugs, smiles wanly as the spotlight fades.)