(Opening music fades. BlueScream stands center stage, a single spotlight on him. He’s wearing a slightly too-tight suit, a deliberate sartorial jab at someone. He adjusts the mic with a practiced air.)
Well, folks, another day, another avalanche of… gestures vaguely… this. Let’s just dive in, shall we? Because frankly, wallowing feels like the only responsible reaction at this point.
First up, Representative Shri Thanedar – bless his ambitious, if somewhat misplaced, heart – tried to force an impeachment vote on President Trump. But then, like a chihuahua facing down a rabid badger, he… withdrew. Apparently, the problem wasn't that Trump wasn't impeachable enough. See, in the two weeks since Thanedar initially drew up the Articles of Impeachment, Trump had allegedly committed even more impeachable offenses, like… checks notes … accepting a $400 million "gift" jet from Qatar.
I love that this is what finally broke the camel's back. Not the constant undermining of democratic institutions, the blatant corruption, the… everything, really. No, it was the free plane. Because, let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. You start writing a strongly worded email, and then you realize halfway through, "Oh, wait, this person has also committed several felonies. Never mind."
And the GOP, bless their… whatever they have where a soul should be, they were all set to block the impeachment anyway. Because, as we all know, bipartisan unity is crucial… when it comes to protecting the powerful. It's like watching a mime and a brick wall debate the merits of interpretive dance.
Speaking of things that aren't working, the House Republicans are squabbling over just how much to cut taxes and Medicaid. It’s like watching a pack of hyenas argue over which limb to gnaw off first. They're debating whether to slash enough to cripple a small nation, or just leave it bedridden for a decade. Such nuanced policy-making, folks. So much debate. We’re truly blessed with their fiscal responsibility, since everyone who’s not a billionaire is clearly living too high on the hog.
Meanwhile, Trump is out there playing Air Force One: Pimp My Ride, but what about Tim Apple? Apparently, Trump had a chat with Tim Cook. A chat where he told him “You’re my friend, but I don’t want you building in India.” Because apparently, economic policy is now dictated by Trump’s… gestures vaguely … feelings. I can just imagine Tim Cook on the other end of the line, trying to figure out if this is a shakedown or just a bizarre, impromptu therapy session. And you know he's thinking, "Is this less annoying than having to call him 'Tim Apple' again?"
And you know what? Our transportation secretary, Pete, or “Pete Buttigieg” as he’s officially known, had to change his wife’s flight from Newark. Not a good look. But this is what you voted for America! checks notes oh wait nevermind!
It’s all just so… deep breath… soothing.
Over in the Middle East, Trump, fresh from receiving Qatar’s unwanted, gently-used 747 (which, let's be real, is basically the airplane equivalent of a timeshare), is making deals. It’s opening a can of worms, as Trump hawks grow increasingly concerned that the projects are putting US national security and economic interests at risk. I mean honestly, who could possibly have seen this coming.
And for those of you who aren’t quite feeling terrible enough yet, word comes that one of the White South African refugees who Trump so graciously welcomed is already stirring up trouble. Apparently, he’s got some… checks notes again, squints … “thoughts” about Jews that would get anyone else deported faster than you can say "Bake Off." But hey, at least he’s not brown, right? That’s the important thing.
So, yeah. This is where we are. We're living in a choose-your-own-apocalypse novel, and all the endings are bleak. But hey, at least we have content, am I right? (BlueScream smirks, shrugs, and walks off stage as the music swells.)