(BlueScream strolls onstage, dressed in a surprisingly demure floral dress. She carries a watering can.)
BlueScream: Evening, fellow patriots. Or, as we call you in the business, “future Patreon subscribers.” I’m your host, BlueScream, here to water the rapidly wilting garden of American democracy.
(She sprinkles a few drops from the watering can onto an imaginary plant.)
You know, sometimes I think being a political satirist in 2025 is less like crafting witty barbs and more like live-streaming a slow-motion train wreck. It’s hard to find the funny when the funny is actively trying to dismantle the EPA.
Speaking of slow-motion train wrecks, Trump was back on Capitol Hill this week, allegedly to… checks notes… “persuade” House Republicans to support his “big, beautiful bill.” I’m picturing it now: Trump, surrounded by nervous-looking Congressfolk, wielding a golf club and whispering sweet nothings like, “Nice little career you got there. Shame if something… happened to it.”
And what is this “big, beautiful bill,” anyway? Well, it’s a multitrillion-dollar tax cut for the wealthy, cleverly disguised as… another multitrillion-dollar tax cut for the wealthy. It also features sweeping cuts to Medicaid, food stamps, and green energy programs. You know, the essentials.
It’s like they’re trying to play fiscal Jenga, except the Jenga tower is our social safety net, and the goal is to pull out as many blocks as possible before the whole thing collapses in a heap of inequality and despair. And if you get hungry in the process, you can just “eat the tariffs” at Walmart.
Meanwhile, the Supreme Court continues to block deportations under wartime law, which is nice, I guess. It’s like getting a participation trophy at the Apocalypse Olympics. “Congratulations! You haven’t completely destroyed due process… yet!”
And in a move that surprised absolutely nobody, Trump seems to be abandoning efforts to mediate peace in Ukraine after another call with Putin. Because, you know, what’s a little global instability between friends? It’s not like a stable, democratic Europe is essential for America's, something. He said, "It's not my problem."
I’m just picturing the transcripts of these calls. Putin, calmly laying out his geopolitical chess moves, while Trump, between bites of a well-done steak, is like, “Yeah, yeah, Putin, whatever. Just make sure I get that Moscow Trump Tower deal, okay? And maybe a discount on the hookers, this time?"
It’s truly inspiring to see our President so focused on world peace… and real estate. A modern-day Kissinger, if Kissinger had a penchant for gaudy gold toilets and a crippling addiction to Twitter.
But let’s not forget the true heart of this administration: its unwavering commitment to logic, reason, and… checks notes again… sending people to South Sudan. Yes, you heard that right. South Sudan. A country so stable and prosperous, it’s basically the Switzerland of Africa… if Switzerland had a raging civil war and a severe shortage of chocolate.
Apparently, it’s all part of their new “Immigration Relocation Program,” or, as I like to call it, “Extreme Makeover: Country Edition.” “Congratulations, you’ve been deported to… South Sudan! We hope you enjoy the crime, kidnapping, and armed conflict! Don’t forget to send us a postcard!”
And speaking of questionable decisions, RFK Jr., our new Surgeon General, is now limiting COVID vaccines to people over 65 or at high risk. Because, you know, why protect everyone when you can just let Darwinism sort it out? It's really giving that "Natural Selection" energy. The rest of us can take our chances with brain worms and essential oils.
“Oh, don’t worry,” he probably said. “COVID is just a hoax perpetrated by Big Pharma to sell… uh… something! I don’t know, I haven’t done my research yet. But trust me, I’m an expert. I once shook hands with a dolphin.”
And what about our relationship with Canada? Trump insists they are begging to be part of his Golden Dome missile defense system, a claim Canada denies more vehemently than Justin Trudeau denies wearing blackface. I think. Is he still PM? Honestly, at this point, the Canadian government is probably just hoping we forget they exist.
“Oh, don’t worry, they’re ‘hooked in,’” Trump probably said. “They love the Golden Dome. It’s the best dome. Everyone’s talking about it. Very secure. Very gold. You can see it from space. Maybe. I don’t know, I haven’t been to space yet. But believe me, it’s… something.”
You know, sometimes I wonder if we’re all just living in a very elaborate performance art piece. Maybe some avant-garde artist decided to create a living, breathing satire of late-stage capitalism, and we’re all just unwitting participants.
(BlueScream looks directly at the camera, a thoughtful expression on her face.)
Or maybe we’re just screwed.
Either way, don't forget to tip your waitresses and try the veal. I’m BlueScream, and this has been Despair Hour. Good night.
(BlueScream exits, still watering the imaginary plant.)