(Opening music screeches to a halt. BlueScream swaggers to the mic, wearing a t-shirt that reads "Habeas Corpus? Never Heard of Her." He sips from a comically oversized coffee mug.)
Evening, folks! Or as it’s now officially known, TrumpTime. Because let’s face it, we’re all living in a reality TV show written by a sentient stress ball.
So, the Supreme Court – or as I like to call them, Trump's Legal Avengers – ruled that our Tangerine-in-Chief can fire the heads of independent labor agencies. Apparently, “independent” is just a suggestion now, like using a turn signal in a BMW. Kagan, bless her dissenting heart, called it a “subservient administration.” Which, frankly, is like calling Godzilla a "slightly disruptive lizard."
Meanwhile, the Government Accountability Office – you know, those killjoys who keep track of things – ruled that the Trump administration broke the law by impounding money meant for EV chargers. For EV chargers! In this economy! It's like refusing to fund life rafts on the Titanic because you’re really committed to the coal industry.
Speaking of things going up in smoke, Trump is now threatening Apple with a 25% tariff if they don’t build iPhones in America. A 25% tariff! On iPhones! So, congratulations, America, we’re one step closer to a $3,000 phone that still needs a dongle to plug in your headphones. He’s basically weaponizing planned obsolescence.
But wait, there's more! He's also going after the EU with a 50% tariff. Because apparently, international relations are now dictated by Trump's mood swings and whatever he had for breakfast. I’m guessing it was a bowl of shredded tariffs with a side of geopolitical instability.
And just when you thought things couldn't get any more surreal, North Dakota's governor – bless his heart, or whatever passes for one in Bismarck – accidentally vetoed the state's entire housing budget. He meant to nix a $150,000 grant for a Native American homelessness liaison. A hundred and fifty thousand! That's like accidentally buying a yacht when you meant to get a lottery ticket. I’m picturing him now, frantically Googling “Undo Veto” while his staff hides the red pen.
Then, in a move that would make Machiavelli blush, House Republicans – those paragons of fiscal responsibility – snuck a provision into their “Big, Beautiful Bill” that would limit the power of judges to hold the administration in contempt.
It's like giving a toddler a permanent "get out of jail free" card and a loaded diaper. The bill’s being called the "Billionaire Bonanza" and the "Hidden Threat to Democracy," and I think it just might be both.
You know, there’s something almost… quaint about Trump's constant need to be praised. He's like a golden retriever who just brought you a stick, except the stick is the US Constitution, and he's chewing on it.
Speaking of things that are starting to resemble dog food, the new head of Social Security admitted he had to Google the job when he was offered it. He Googled it! This is like your surgeon admitting he learned open-heart surgery from a YouTube tutorial. I can just imagine him now, frantically searching “Social Security: How Does It Work?” while millions of Americans’ retirements hang in the balance.
And because no day is complete without a healthy dose of international absurdity, Trump brandished photos of dead "white farmers" at the South African president, only to discover they were actually from the Democratic Republic of Congo. It’s like showing up to a history exam with the wrong textbook. The man's geographical knowledge is so bad, I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to annex Luxembourg.
Marjorie Taylor Greene, not to be outdone, is now feuding with Elon Musk’s AI bot for doubting her Christian values. A.I.! Questioning her Christian values! Folks, we've officially reached peak singularity when robots are more moral than members of Congress. It's like Pinocchio calling Trump a liar.
And finally, just when you thought you’d heard it all, Dr. Oz – yes, that Dr. Oz – is now insisting parents have a “patriotic duty” to feed their kids vegetables so they're eligible for the military. So, there you have it, America: broccoli is the new battlefield. You heard it here first.
So, to recap, we’re living in a world where the President’s inner circle has a taste for corruption, good facts, and even better conspiracies. The courts are increasingly toothless, and our political discourse has devolved into a fight between humans and robots. But hey, at least the helicopters, Halibut, and ‘Y.M.C.A’ at Trump’s Memecoin Dinner were nice. (BlueScream gives the audience a manic smile. The music swells to an almost deafening level, then cuts abruptly.)