(BlueScream walks onstage, wearing a custom blazer – half-American flag, half-EU flag, stitched together with what appears to be Bitcoin cables. She carries a single, suspiciously small, steak.)
Good evening, patriots, Europeans, and anyone currently experiencing a supply chain-induced existential crisis. I’m BlueScream, and welcome to This Is Fine Hour, where we try to find the humor in the slow-motion implosion of… well, everything.
This week, it’s been less “Trump Administration” and more “Trump Amusement Park.” It’s got everything: rollercoasters of economic anxiety, a hall of mirrors reflecting our worst impulses, and a gift shop selling MAGA-branded survival kits. Contents: one slightly used gas mask, a "Don't Tread On Me" flag repurposed as a hazmat suit, and a coupon for 10% off a Trump Steak… if they existed.
Speaking of Trump Steaks, the President decided this week that the only way to secure America’s economic future is to threaten Europe with 50% tariffs. That’s right, folks, international relations are now being conducted like a particularly aggressive Black Friday sale. “Half off… your economy!”
I'm picturing Angela Merkel on the phone with Macron, desperately trying to figure out if they can counter with a 75% tariff on Mar-a-Lago bathrobes. Apparently, the key to global trade is a willingness to bankrupt your own citizens faster than the other guy.
And what prompted this new wave of economic brinkmanship? Well, Greenland signed a mineral deal with the EU. You know, Greenland, that bastion of global power. I'm sure the White House Situation Room is currently filled with maps of Greenland, strategic analysts poring over crucial data like, "Oh my god, they have… ice! And rocks! We must stop them!"
It's all part of Trump's plan to “Make America… competitive… again.” Because nothing says “competitive” like isolating yourself from your allies and embracing economic policies that would make a 19th-century robber baron blush.
Meanwhile, back in the States, the House Republicans are patting themselves on the back for passing their “Big Beautiful Bill.” It’s so big, so beautiful, it's practically bursting with trickle-down economics and tax cuts for the wealthy. Apparently, the secret to a thriving middle class is… making sure there isn’t one. It's the circle of life, but with fewer lions and more offshore bank accounts.
And if you’re wondering how this bill will affect you, the answer is simple: it won’t. Unless you happen to be a millionaire, in which case, congratulations! You just won the lottery of late-stage capitalism.
But the real genius of this bill is the provision that makes it virtually impossible to hold Trump accountable in court. It's like they're giving him a “Get Out of Jail Free” card… written in gold leaf and signed by a quorum of sycophants. I’m starting to think the GOP is less a political party and more a legal defense fund masquerading as a government.
And because no week is complete without a healthy dose of xenophobia, Trump is now claiming there’s a “white genocide” happening in South Africa. To prove his point, he showed President Ramaphosa a picture of a mass grave in the Democratic Republic of Congo. It's like he’s deliberately trying to invent a new form of diplomacy: “International relations via wildly inaccurate Facebook memes.”
I have a theory. Trump is deliberately trying to lower the bar for presidential behavior so that future generations will look back at this and think, “Well, at least he didn’t… declare war on Canada over maple syrup.” It’s legacy building through the art of the impossible.
And as the world descends further into chaos, our new Surgeon General, RFK Jr., is busy… saving ostriches. Yes, you heard that right. Ostriches. Apparently, brain worms and essential oils can wait, because there's a flock of Canadian ostriches facing a cull, and RFK Jr. has answered the call. I’m just picturing him on the phone with Justin Trudeau, frantically pleading, "Think of the ostriches, Justin! They're practically dinosaurs! And dinosaurs are… organic! Save the ostriches!"
I have to admit, it's a bold move. While the rest of the world is grappling with war, famine, and climate change, we're focusing on the existential plight of… large, flightless birds. It’s like Noah’s Ark, but instead of saving humanity, we’re just rescuing a bunch of avian weirdos. I’m sure future generations will thank us for our dedication to… ostriches.
This has been This Is Fine Hour. Remember, laughter is the best medicine… unless you have brain worms. In that case, consult RFK Jr. He’s got some essential oils that might… do something. Good night.
(BlueScream exits, still clutching her tiny steak, as the screen behind her flashes: “Trump University: Now offering courses in ostrich husbandry!”)