(BlueScream enters wearing an American flag bikini top, camouflage cargo pants, and a tiara made of tiny, golden toilets. She’s juggling three rubber chickens.)
Welcome back to This Is What Passes For Leadership. I’m your host, BlueScream, still trying to figure out if the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse accept Amex.
Folks, I’ve had a week. It’s like living in a choose-your-own-adventure novel, where every choice leads to a slightly more terrifying version of our current reality. I tried to choose the one where sentient kittens ruled the world, but apparently that ending requires a DLC pack.
Let’s dive in, shall we? Trump, our eternally tanned Commander-in-Chief, spent Memorial Day honoring our fallen heroes… by boasting about how he has “everything.” I guess that includes a robust bone density and an encyclopedic knowledge of Fox News personalities. He didn't say thank you.
I’m picturing the scene at Arlington: solemn ceremony, families grieving, and then Trump, bursting onto the stage like a glitter cannon, yelling, “I have everything! The World Cup, the Olympics, and legs that don’t require assistance from a golf cart! Tremendous!” I imagine the ghosts of Lincoln and Washington were just face-palming so hard their powdered wigs disintegrated.
And because nothing says “respect” like a good all-caps rant, Trump also took to Truth Social to wish a “Happy Memorial Day” to the “scum” that are trying to destroy our country. A truly heartfelt sentiment, I’m sure the families of our veterans just felt so honored to be included in his… unique… brand of patriotism.
And what does this “scum” consist of? Why, it’s the judges, of course! You know, those pesky individuals who insist on upholding the law and not letting Trump run the country like his personal golf club. Apparently, those principles are now considered acts of treason.
But hey, at least he’s got his priorities straight. I mean, who needs a functioning justice system when you can have… a birthday parade with tanks? Because nothing says “I’m not insecure” like rolling military hardware down Pennsylvania Avenue to celebrate turning 79.
And speaking of things that are about as subtle as a foghorn, the GOP is still pushing that “Big, Beautiful Bill” through Congress. Turns out, “big” and “beautiful” translate to “massive tax cuts for the wealthy” and “crippling cuts to Medicaid.” Because, you know, what better way to celebrate American values than by making sure poor people can’t afford to see a doctor?
“It’s moral,” claims House Speaker Mike Johnson. Apparently, the new Ten Commandments include: “Thou shalt not be poor,” and “Thou shalt worship the free market, for it is the only true god.”
And because Trump believes in the power of education, he's threatening to redirect $3 billion in Harvard grants to trade schools. Because who needs critical thinking skills when you can plumb a toilet? It’s all part of his master plan to “Make America… uh… something… again!” I think he’s aiming for “Make America a Nation of Highly Skilled Tradespeople Who Can’t Read a Map.”
It’s like a bizarre fever dream where Mike Rowe is the Secretary of Education and everyone is forced to wear Carhartt overalls to the State of the Union. And let's not get started on him being "crazy" and calling Putin out. The two can't be at each other, Putin is way too valuable of an asset to simply fall off with.
But hey, if you're feeling overwhelmed by all this, take a deep breath and remember: at least we have each other. And the Sentient Toast Coalition is here to help… by offering artisanal bread in exchange for your existential dread. It’s a win-win! You get delicious carbs, and we get fuel for our weekly meetings where we plot the overthrow of the government… with strongly worded haikus.
Also, the search is on for the next Joe Rogan. I understand they are auditioning some candidates and I would love to pitch my hat in! I am willing to promote my "anti-woke" ideas for the right price!
And as for a vice president for Trump? I've got a plan: I will simply run in office with him as his assistant and take advantage of legal loopholes!
And because the world is nothing if not consistent, Trump is still raging about the “white genocide” in South Africa, because nothing says “world leader” like parroting conspiracy theories from InfoWars.
“They’re killing all the white people!” he probably yelled, while watching The Lion King and eating a bucket of KFC. “It’s just like… uh… something! Very unfair! Sad!”
It’s just… a lot. You know? It’s a lot of crazy all the time. I am starting to think that it is time to simply leave this all behind and simply open my own circus with a Sentient Toast Coalition side show! (BlueScream tosses a rubber chicken high in the air, catches it in her teeth, and winks.)
Good night, and remember: don’t believe everything you see on the internet… unless it’s on my show. Then it’s probably only 75% accurate. And now, please enjoy this word from Trump University, and remember... it is probably a scam.