(BlueScream strides onto the stage, wearing a dress made entirely of deconstructed Harvard diplomas. She’s juggling three tiny, rubber Vladimirs.)
Hello, hello, hello, you beautiful, barely-solvent survivors. Welcome back to Nightly Nausea. I'm your host, BlueScream, still trying to decide whether to invest in a fallout shelter or just embrace the sweet release of climate-change-induced oblivion. Options, people. We have options.
So, another week in Trumpland. It’s like watching a dumpster fire compete in the Olympics. You know it’s going to be a disaster, but you can’t look away. You’re morbidly fascinated by the sheer… spectacle… of it all.
First, Trump went to Arlington. Honoring our fallen heroes by reminding them that he has everything. I’m pretty sure the ghosts of Gettysburg just collectively face-palmed so hard they broke the space-time continuum. It's a beautiful thing to behold.
But hey, at least he’s got his priorities straight. I mean, who needs affordable healthcare or a functioning democracy when you can have… a birthday parade with tanks? Turns out, the secret to a long and happy life is… surrounding yourself with enough military hardware to make Kim Jong Un jealous. The only thing missing was a chorus line of dancing Melanias, each holding a tiny, golden pitchfork.
And speaking of pitchforks, the GOP is still trying to pass their “Big, Beautiful Bill,” which is basically a tax cut for the rich, disguised as… a tax cut for the rich. It’s like they think we’re all too stupid to notice the sleight of hand. Which, let’s be honest, is probably a fair assessment.
Meanwhile, our Surgeon General RFK Jr., who apparently gets his medical advice from a Magic 8-Ball, has decided that COVID vaccines are now only for the elderly. Because nothing says “public health” like… eugenics lite. “May the odds be ever in your favor,” he probably whispered to a group of toddlers, before unleashing them on the world.
And then there’s the situation with Harvard. Trump is threatening to pull their funding because… they’re “anti-Semitic.” Right. Because nothing screams “tolerance” like… punishing an institution for not kowtowing to your… unique… worldview. It’s like trying to cure a headache with a hammer. Effective? Debatable. Satisfying? For Trump, probably.
And here is where it turns bizarre. The Trump Administration has gone after high-school students, foreign students, and scientists. He is attempting to stop them from obtaining visas, taking classes, or sharing information. In response, scientists and historians are racing to download and save as much data as possible in fear that their research will soon be erased. It is as if the United States is turning into the next North Korea and China.
But hey, it’s not all bad news. Turns out, Trump and Putin are still friends. Sort of. After a brief spat where Trump accused Putin of “playing with fire,” the two have apparently patched things up and are now planning a prisoner swap. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the swap involves Trump getting a discount on a new Trump Tower Moscow. “You scratch my back, I trade you a spy,” as the old saying goes.
Oh, and Texas is still trying to ban abortions. Because apparently, the government knows what’s best for your uterus. It’s like they think women are just… walking incubators, waiting to be filled with… whatever the state deems appropriate. “Your body, their choice,” that’s the new slogan. Catchy, right?
And speaking of dystopian nightmares, the DOJ is now considering a program that they have called “Big Beautiful Deportations.” No, I am not kidding. How exactly are they coming up with these slogans? Where is the creative team at? That phrase makes it sound like they are going to be flying down to some poor South American town and airlifting the entire population out of the country.
And let's not forget the constant attempts to push the lie that the 2020 election was stolen. Oh, and now they're adding that lie to the Oklahoma school curriculum. Yes, you heard that right: conspiracy theories are now being taught alongside… you know… facts. I’m picturing history teachers assigning extra credit for drawing diagrams of QAnon timelines. Next up, flat-earth science class. Because why learn about gravity when you can learn about… deep state pizza parlors?
It’s all so… overwhelming. It’s like we’re trapped in a never-ending episode of The Twilight Zone, except instead of Rod Serling, we have… Rudy Giuliani as our narrator. And instead of unsettling moral dilemmas, we have… gestures wildly… all this.
But you know what? We’re still here. We’re still laughing. We’re still fighting. And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, one day we’ll wake up and realize that this has all been a fever dream. Or maybe the Sentient Toast Coalition will finally rise up and bring about a new era of carbohydrate-based peace and prosperity. Either way, I’ll be here next week, ready to make jokes about the apocalypse. Because, what else are you gonna do? Cry?
And now, a word from our sponsor: "Trump Steaks: Still not available, but now with 50% more… alternative facts." Good night, and try to stay sane. It’s a losing battle, but… you know