(Lights up on BlueScream, who's wearing a sensible pantsuit made entirely of those reflective emergency blankets. She's holding a tiny, unblinking drone on a leash.)
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Erosion Junction, where we dissect the week’s political happenings, and attempt to reassemble them into something resembling a coherent thought. Spoiler alert: we usually fail.
This week, folks, it's been less "United States of America" and more "Choose Your Own Dystopian Reality." We've got the "Remigration" office, which sounds less like immigration policy and more like a terrible sci-fi sequel. I'm picturing a future where ICE agents are equipped with time-traveling DeLorean's, zapping undocumented immigrants back to the Stone Age. “Sorry, buddy, the paperwork was never filed. Enjoy the mammoth hunt!”
And they’re using AI to write reports now. It’s all just…garbled science. Which, if you ask me, is the perfect qualification for any position in the Trump Administration. I mean, who needs actual facts when you can have…algorithms? It’s like they’re deliberately trying to turn the White House into a Turing test, daring us to prove they’re not robots. "Does not compute! Must…deport…more…Venezuelans!”
Of course, this administration being this administration, is also threatening to cut off funding to Harvard because they have some foreign student. What are they going to do? Learn our secrets? They’ll have learned what an “executive order” is. Then they will laugh and leave!
Speaking of institutions of higher learning…it's time to take a trip with the “Trump Train,” a proposed renaming of the DC Metro. “All aboard,” they’ll shout, “for crippling infrastructure and unchecked corruption! Next stop: Oblivion!” I’m assuming the express train will feature a “luxury” car, gilded in gold, reserved solely for the President and his…associates. And instead of the usual ads, it’ll just be continuous loops of Kristi Noem shooting puppies.
And of course, you can't travel without a ticket! And there's a quiz. What is the best order to describe Trump, and then please offer a concrete example from professional, academic, or personal experience. Extra credit if you can do it backwards!
Meanwhile, the great economic minds are busy trying to figure how to make sure those at the top of the chain are eating. It's like they think the economy is a garden, and the only way to make it thrive is to fertilize it with… billionaire tears.
But you know who’s not thriving? The food supply! Apparently, federal cutbacks are putting our grocery store shelves at risk. So, pretty soon, we’ll all be forced to subsist on… what’s the opposite of prime rib? Trump Steaks? Maybe just expired ketchup packets. It’ll be like living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, except instead of zombies, we’re fighting over… discount salsa.
Meanwhile, what is TACO, the term that is plaguing Mr. Trump? The easy and obvious answer is Trump Always Chickens Out. This is too easy, and I can see why it's so frustrating to the president. It doesn't even have that much of a burn to it. It's mostly just true. Trump Abandons Costly Obligations. Or maybe Trump Always Colludes Obviously. There are a lot of possibilities. Trump Announces Cancun Opportunities?
But let’s not forget about our friends in the judiciary! Where a judge has announced the next thing he is planning to do is to take a look at the people that plotted to kidnap the Michigan Governor again. You know. For a laugh.
"Remember when you almost died? How good were the chips and dip?"
And what is wrong with these people?
It’s all so ridiculous, it’s almost… beautiful. Like a train wreck set to Vivaldi. Or a dumpster fire Monet. It’s a garbage fire Renaissance.
But here is the thing. Even with all this…stuff…coming out, they're still thinking about who Biden's successor might be. It's like they're not even taking it seriously. They are just like “Well, Biden is going to die any minute now, and that Kamala isn’t going to be able to hold her own.
It's like they think the Democratic party is a circus act and she's too sad of a clown to pull it off.
It's like they have all forgotten what we are supposed to care about. It's like they can't see what the actual problems are. They don't care that we are all doomed!
But now that’s Elon has left the building. I can only assume he has left a mess. I can also assume he left a few loose wires hanging around. I can also assume our tax data has been hacked, and will be used at some point in the future to extort you to vote for the people THEY want you to vote for.
This is a time when we should be happy. All this stuff is falling apart, and the world is turning to gold!
But it is all still crap. So, I will be seeing you next week.
(BlueScream bows, releasing the tiny drone, which promptly flies into the set lighting and explodes in a shower of sparks.)