(BlueScream walks onstage, dressed in a couture gown fashioned entirely from discarded student visa applications. She carries a single, wilted stalk of wheat.)
Well, hello there, beautiful basket cases. I'm BlueScream, your weekly dose of existential dread mixed with just a soupçon of hope that maybe, just maybe, a rogue meteor will solve all our problems.
So, where do we even begin? It’s like the news cycle is a hyperactive toddler with access to a flamethrower and a subscription to Breitbart.
Trump, bless his heart, is now feuding with the Federalist Society. Apparently, even they weren’t MAGA enough. It's like finding out that your racist uncle thinks you’re getting too woke. The mind reels. Next thing you know, he'll be denouncing gravity as a Deep State conspiracy.
And because nothing says "commitment to fiscal responsibility" like draining the swamp directly into your own pockets, the President is now planning a $34 million statue garden. You know, because what this country really needs is more bronze likenesses of dead white dudes. I'm just hoping they include a statue of the average American taxpayer, cowering under the weight of the national debt. For verisimilitude, the statue will spontaneously burst into flames every time Trump tweets.
Oh, and that reminds me: Texas is closer than ever to mandating the Ten Commandments in public schools. Apparently, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery is way more important than, say, teaching children how to read or not become climate change refugees. But hey, who needs education when you can just memorize a list of rules written by Bronze Age shepherds?
Speaking of bronze age relics, the White House is still aggressively pursuing a "reverse Nixon" strategy, trying to cozy up to Putin while simultaneously alienating every single one of our allies. It's like playing geopolitical chess with a bag of Cheetos. I'm sure Russia will be thrilled to partner with a country that's currently debating whether or not the earth is flat.
Meanwhile, in the Democratic party, they’re having an existential crisis over how to appeal to the “manosphere.” I have an idea: maybe stop pandering to the lowest common denominator and start actually addressing the real issues that affect… all people, regardless of their chromosome configuration. But what do I know? I’m just a sequined blob of estrogen-fueled rage.
Now, to distract us from all of that, Elon Musk and his new black eye called Bono a liar. You gotta love Bono, he’s been doing good things since before I was born, and Elon? Well, he got that black eye somewhere. Maybe after he was done doing the ketamine he did a few jumping jacks and kicked himself in the face?
And it's not just our foreign policy that's crumbling faster than a gluten-free biscuit. Back home, a U.S. Representative was handcuffed by federal agents… in his own office. Because apparently, protecting members of Congress is now secondary to detaining immigrants and enforcing… checks notes …White House paranoia. I’m starting to think we need a new branch of government: the Department of Unintended Consequences.
The Trump administration is even going so far as to create a new government agency called the "Remigration Office", which sounds less like immigration policy and more like a terrible sci-fi sequel, where ICE agents are time-traveling back to the Stone Age to retrieve immigrants who never filed the proper paperwork.
"Sorry, you never filed form 47b back in 12,000 BC. Get in the DeLorean. That saber-toothed tiger isn't going to deport itself!"
It’s all part of Trump’s bold new strategy to “Make America…uh…more…something…again!” I think he's going for "Make America Resemble a Failed State With Surprisingly Good Reality Television" but it's still a work in progress.
But, for all the progress we’ve made in the field of AI, the world still needs human scientists for real discoveries. That’s why World Scientists Look Elsewhere as U.S. Labs Stagger Under Trump Cuts. Why would someone brilliant study in a country that hates smart people? Why would someone want to come here if we are building a massive data base on them?
But remember that Harvard is out there fighting the good fight. Why is this Administration obsessed with Harvard? With foreign students at Harvard? It's just a weird thing to be hung up on.
The real mystery to me, though, is why so many people seem so eager to dismiss all this as “just politics.” Folks, this isn’t politics. This is… well, this is a reality TV show where the stakes are slightly higher than whether or not you get voted off the island. This is our lives, our future, our sanity. And we’re all trapped in the same damn green room, waiting for the director to yell “cut.”
So, find your joy. Find your resistance. Find your therapist. Because if we don't laugh, we’re just going to… scream. And nobody wants to hear that. Especially not the people in charge.
And now, for a word from our sponsor: "Trump University: Where your dreams of financial ruin… come true! Just like our country!" (BlueScream blows a kiss and exits as the stage plunges into darkness.)