(Lights up on BlueScream, who's wearing a ballgown made entirely of shredded debt ceiling agreements. She's holding a bouquet of genetically modified corn.)
Well, good evening, fellow Americans! Or as the GOP now calls you, "Pre-existing conditions ripe for harvest." I'm BlueScream, and tonight, we're diving headfirst into the political abyss, because what else is there to do? Learn a trade? Get affordable healthcare? Don't be ridiculous.
So, another week, another series of increasingly deranged executive orders signed with what I can only assume is a crayon dipped in Adderall. It’s like the White House is being run by a particularly malicious game of Mad Libs. "President Trump will now commandeer all national parks to celebrate the release of his new meme coin collection!"
And speaking of cryptocurrency, Elon Musk, fresh off his stint as Secretary of… Well, whatever he was doing, has returned to the private sector, claiming he doesn’t want to be responsible for what this administration is doing. It’s like Frankenstein’s monster walking off set during the third act, muttering, "You know, this whole ‘destroying the village’ thing isn’t really my vibe anymore."
Of course, Musk isn't really gone. He's just strategically relocating to a safer distance, where he can still pull the strings, but without having to fill out those pesky ethics disclosures. Because, you know, what's a little regulatory capture between friends?
Meanwhile, the Supreme Court is busy upholding the sanctity of... well, whatever the hell they feel like upholding on any given Tuesday. It's like they're playing a game of constitutional roulette, and the prize is the slow erosion of our civil liberties.
But it’s not all bad news. Apparently, some Iowa voters are starting to have second thoughts about Senator Joni Ernst’s recent comment that "we're all going to die anyway." I guess there’s a limit to how much existential dread even the most hardened Midwesterner can handle. Though I suspect her numbers will bounce back once she clarifies that by "we," she mostly meant… other people.
And because no Trump administration is complete without a healthy dose of paranoia, they’re now cracking down on international students, accusing Harvard of being a hotbed of anti-American sentiment. Because nothing says "intellectual freedom" like… deporting anyone who might have a slightly different opinion. I’m sure this will attract the best and brightest minds to our shores. Unless, of course, those minds are currently enrolled at Tsinghua University.
Meanwhile, the DOJ awarded $5 million to the family of a January 6th rioter. So, I think we're finally figuring out where the money is coming from to fund the wall on the border. Not Mexico. But you. And rioters.
Look, I get it. It’s hard to stay optimistic in the face of all this… gestures vaguely at the crumbling facade of American democracy. But we can’t give up. We can’t let them steal our joy. We can’t let them turn us into… checks notes …soulless, mindless entities controlled by a globalist cabal of lizard people.
Although… I have to admit, a world run by lizard people might be an improvement at this point. At least they'd probably have a coherent climate change policy. And maybe a universal healthcare system. And definitely better dental.
Which reminds me: I've started a petition to replace the White House press briefings with interpretive dance performances. I figure it can’t be any less informative than what we’re getting now, and at least it’ll be more… expressive. I'm picturing Kayleigh McEnany twirling across the stage, conveying the President’s foreign policy agenda through a series of dramatic leaps and pirouettes. It would be beautiful. It would be absurd. It would be… perfect.
But until that day comes, we'll just have to keep fighting. Keep resisting. Keep… checks notes again …laughing until we cry. Because if we don't laugh, we're just going to… well, we're just going to surrender to the overwhelming sense of doom that permeates every aspect of our modern existence. And nobody wants that. Except maybe… the people in charge.
So, find your joy. Hold onto your hope. And remember: even in the darkest of times, there’s always something to satirize. Especially when that something is the slow-motion collapse of civilization. And remember, kids, the 2028 elections are coming, and just because we're all going to die, doesn't mean we can't decide what the funeral is going to look like. Sleep tight, and don't let the brainworms bite.