(Lights up on BlueScream, perched precariously atop a stack of shipping containers labeled "Made in China.")
Well, folks, welcome to Despair-a-Lago, where the existential dread is locally sourced and the punchlines are, sadly, based on a true story.
What a week. I swear, between the unhinged executive orders, the blatant corruption, and the nagging feeling that we’re all living in a poorly written dystopian novel, I’m starting to suspect my therapist is moonlighting as a White House strategist.
Speaking of the White House, President Trump, fresh from his latest round of golf (sponsored by Qatar Airways, naturally) is now locked in a heated battle with…checks notes… checks them again… Harvard University.
Apparently, our Commander-in-Chief views higher education as a personal affront, a breeding ground for critical thinking and, even worse, facts. He’s threatening to pull their funding, revoke student visas, and, if the rumors are true, replace the entire faculty with a touring production of Cats. Because nothing says "intellectual rigor" like a bunch of adults in furry costumes.
And it's not just Harvard. No, no, no. Trump is waging a full-scale war on knowledge, on enlightenment, on anything that might challenge his deeply held belief that the Earth is flat, vaccines cause autism, and that he, Donald J. Trump, is the most humble man in the history of mankind.
He's appointed RFK Jr., a man who gets his medical advice from carrier pigeons and aluminum foil hats, to oversee national health policy. A man who thinks autism destroys families – just ask the ghosts of Jenny McCarthy’s credibility.
Now the "Big Beautiful Bill" continues to barrel through Congress, leaving a trail of broken promises and shredded safety nets in its wake. I heard Senate Leader Thune has told his Republican Senators to "trust the process" because it is going to be very "beautiful," but Senator Rand Paul, in protest, has started wearing a dunce cap around the halls of Congress, a look that is surprisingly natural for him.
The GOP keeps saying it’s going to boost the economy, create jobs, and sprinkle fairy dust on our collective anxieties. But what it actually does is cut taxes for the rich, gut Medicaid for the poor, and then blame immigrants for the resulting chaos. It’s the economic version of “thoughts and prayers,” except instead of offering solace, they’re just offering… well… slightly cheaper yachts for the 1%.
And the Democrats? Well, they’re… thinking about it. They’re drafting a strongly worded letter. They’re holding a town hall to express their “grave concerns.” They're searching for that one Democrat who might appeal to the manosphere. Because nothing screams "electability" like a politician who can explain pickup artist techniques using only parliamentary procedure.
But hey, at least we can take solace in the fact that Trump is still fighting the good fight against… windmills. Yes, windmills. Apparently, the President views these eco-friendly energy generators as a personal threat, a whirring, twirling symbol of everything he despises: progress, sustainability, and the absence of golf courses.
And while we're on the topic of windmills, let's not forget the proposed "Golden Dome" missile defense system, a project that will cost a mere $175 billion, which is approximately the GDP of several small countries. "Golden Dome" is so effective it will scare Putin so much he will start taking American dollars from Trump again.
But my personal favorite development this week? The fact that our own Secretary of Veterans Affairs was caught muzzling reports that gave Trump less than perfect marks. There really is no bottom to this barrel. Even the folks this country should be bending over backwards for aren’t safe from Trump's fragile ego.
And speaking of not safe, has anyone seen our allies in Europe? Apparently, Trump has decided that the best way to strengthen international relations is to threaten them with 50% tariffs. “Make America Great Again!” he proclaimed, “by bankrupting everyone else!”
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “BlueScream, isn’t there anything good happening in the world?” Well, maybe. There is this new report that says there is evidence for an undiscovered 9th planet. But to get to it, you probably have to travel through a Black Hole first. Or you can just stay here and ride it out. Your call.
But hey, who needs a functioning healthcare system or a stable global economy when you can have… checks notes …a meme coin endorsed by the President? That's right, folks, the official currency of the United States is now… Dogecoin. Because apparently, the future is… well, it’s adorable. And completely worthless. But adorable.
So, that’s the news. I’m BlueScream. And I’m going to go meditate now. Or possibly just scream into a pillow. Either way, stay tuned, stay cynical, and for the love of God, don’t invest in Trump Steaks. They’re still not available, and even if they were, I'm pretty sure they'd be made of… sadness.
(BlueScream salutes with a weary smile as the lights fade.)