(Lights up on BlueScream, sporting a neck brace bedazzled with the Harvard crest. She winces with each movement.)
Welcome back to Despair: Now in HD. I’m your host, BlueScream, and I'm starting to suspect that the apocalypse isn't a singular event, but rather a subscription service. We’re all just paying monthly for increasingly terrifying updates.
So, where to begin? It’s like trying to explain string theory to a goldfish. With Tourette’s.
First, because apparently reality isn’t bizarre enough on its own, Trump is now claiming that he didn’t really want Elon Musk around. He just… tolerated him. Like a rash you can’t quite reach. And it's really giving that “He went to another school, you wouldn’t know him” energy.
And the White House has started to release the Epstein files. But only on OnlyFans. You got to subscribe to unlock the mysteries of life.
And look, if these two titans of industry want to have a war of words, they can do it on a stage where a bunch of people are just watching to the see who wins and then they can give me money. That is all I want.
Meanwhile, the government is being held together by the rubber bands that are in my hair, and it seems that Republicans are having a hard time saving a single thing. They can’t save themselves, they can’t save the planet, and they sure can’t save the economy. And it is all because they let the brain-wormed people do whatever they want! So it’s time to see the brain-worm people get to work!
Which brings me to our next segment: "RFK Jr.'s Guide to Public Health: A Field Guide to Pseudoscience." Exhibit A: The complete and utter dismantling of the federal vaccine program. I imagine this administration’s approach to public health is less about science and more about trusting your gut. Which, in RFK Jr.’s case, is probably telling him to ingest copious amounts of colloidal silver and commune with dolphins.
And the fallout continues! For some reason, the new thing is to try and give out grants for military service for people with felony charges on their records! I love how it’s going to be the military that makes things right!
And speaking of being a bit touched, a Florida House candidate thinks Biden is a mask-wearing robot. I’m not sure what’s more concerning: the fact that she believes this, or the fact that she’s a candidate. I mean, I knew Florida was weird, but I didn’t realize they were electing sentient conspiracy theories to public office. But is it a surprise that they keep going after trans people? What’s next? An all out war on rainbows?
In the spirit of staying informed, however, let’s take a brief detour to the Supreme Court, where the justices have unanimously decided that… wait for it… discrimination is bad. Regardless of who’s doing it. Groundbreaking stuff, folks. I’m pretty sure that same decision was also reached by the Care Bears in 1985, but hey, better late than never, right?
This ruling, of course, will likely be used as a cudgel against DEI initiatives, because apparently, the goal is to achieve perfect equality… by ensuring that absolutely no one has access to opportunity. It’s like the old saying goes: if you can’t beat ‘em, systematically disenfranchise them.
And now, let's take a look at the travel ban. Oh, the travel ban. It is so horrible. Why Egypt though? Is it just because the terrorists like it? I mean if the terrorists like pizza, are you going to ban Italy?
Also, what’s with the whole obsession with Harvard lately? It’s like the administration has a personal vendetta against higher education. Trump is now claiming to be a student. Maybe he wants to get a leg up in higher education. It does seem that he might need it!
Oh and since the United States of America is now the home of the brave and the free, we are sending some Venezuelans to El Salvador. Good luck, suckers!
But don’t worry, it’s not all bad. There’s a 22-year-old running this terror program. And he has no experience. But there are many AI scientists! That has to count for something, right?
You know, I was just thinking, maybe the problem isn’t just Trump. Maybe the problem is that we’ve all become so desensitized to the sheer volume of absurdity that we’ve stopped reacting to it. We’re like frogs slowly boiling in a pot of political crazy, and we’re too busy arguing about the thermostat to notice that we’re about to be frog soup.
This has been Despair Hour. Go home, hug your loved ones, and maybe stock up on artisanal bread. Because if the apocalypse is anything like this week, at least we can all have a really good sandwich while it’s happening. Good night. (BlueScream is lowered into a vat of artisanal sourdough starter as the lights fade.)