(Sound of a beer bottle opening)
Alright guys, settle in. You are not going to BELIEVE the week I've had just trying to keep up with this circus. Seriously, I need a government bailout for my sanity.
So, the main event this week is that Trump and Musk are having a full-blown, public, drag-down, social media catfight. It’s like watching two toddlers argue over who gets to play with the rusty Tonka truck in the sandbox, except the Tonka truck is the global economy, and the sandbox is… well, America.
(Takes a long sip of beer)
And of course, it’s getting real personal. Musk is posting old photos of Trump with Epstein. Trump is calling Musk a drug addict, and probably muttering about how he’s only rich because of apartheid money. It’s amazing! It’s like the Real Housewives, but with more fragile egos and fewer collagen injections. Okay, maybe not fewer.
And as if that wasn't already enough, now the White House is sending our National Guard to LA to quell the protests! Over immigration? Last time I checked, that was just for the summer, not a year-round activity. This is like calling in the Marines because someone left the toilet seat up, escalating like crazy. It reminds me of when I tried to bake cookies for the first time and ended up setting off the smoke alarm and flooding the kitchen. Minor inconvenience turns into a full-scale disaster.
(Laughs wryly)
And the worst part is, remember that article about Trump's "Gold Standard Science" wearing thin? Yeah, just read about how the FDA is approving drugs with literally zero evidence they work. It's like, "Here, take this pill! It might cure you, or it might turn you into a sentient eggplant. Who knows? We haven't tested it! Just trust us!"
Oh, and this is the best part - they are now going to be able to get all that sweet data from our Social Security! What are they planning on doing with it? Is this the new version of the "birther" conspiracy? Are they going to try and kick every American out of the country? Are they going to check my social security card? Am I even real? (Pauses, looks around nervously)
I mean, it's all just… it's all so much. You know? It's like they're deliberately trying to overwhelm us with absurdity so we just give up and start worshipping the golden calf that is… gestures vaguely …whatever the hell is happening in Washington. But hey, maybe those ""fake"" drugs are going to make us forget the world is falling apart around us.
But hey, at least we know ""where it is all going"" You know where all of this is going? These people are stealing what is left of America and fleeing to South America to their secret bunkers and then they are going to bomb the entire continent so no one can come visit them when it is safe again. We are nothing but pawns in their game. And the worst part is that we are being asked to pay for it!
(Shakes head, takes another swig of beer)
Remember that thing with me setting off the smoke alarm and flooding the kitchen? At least I got some good cookies out of it. What are we getting out of this? Other than a rapidly approaching sense of doom?
(Looks directly at the group)
Anyway, I’m starting a petition to make "Surviving the Trump Administration" an Olympic sport. I think we all deserve a medal. And maybe a very strong drink. Anyone need a refill? (Sound of glasses clinking)