(BlueScream, mid-30s, dressed in a thrift-store power suit that definitely saw better days, leans into the mic with a weary sigh.)
Alright, alright, settle down, settle down. Lemme tell you what’s got my goat this week. So, Trump’s deploying the National Guard to LA, right? Seven hundred Marines, all because of immigration protests. Remember when he said he couldn’t call up the Guard unless asked? Yeah, good times.
It's like he's got some kinda performance art fetish, turning LA into his own personal… checks notes… "Insurrection Zone." I mean, come on. An insurrection? Sounds more like a Tuesday to me.
(beat)
And California, bless their eco-friendly hearts, is suing him. Suing! Like that’s gonna stop a guy who thinks the Constitution is just a suggestion box. It’s like trying to stop a hurricane with a strongly worded email.
You know, back in my day, when we protested, we got tear gas and maybe a stern talking-to. Now, these kids are getting Marines? Talk about inflation!
(beat)
But here’s the real kicker: all this military posturing, all this “tough on crime” rhetoric… it’s a distraction. A smoke bomb while he’s trying to sneak that “Big, Beautiful Bill” through the Senate. That’s the one that gives billionaires a tax cut the size of Rhode Island while simultaneously gutting Medicaid. 'Cause who needs healthcare when you can have... tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue?
And now a bunch of scientists said that that they are leaving because they are getting massive cuts. Why are they gonna give their knowledge over to China? If they go to Canada and the government steals them the American government can go and take them back! We had to let Russia know that those sanctions are coming!!!
(beat)
Speaking of billionaires, let's not forget Elon Musk, former White House advisor and current meme lord, calling the bill a "disgusting abomination." It's like finding out your meth dealer is concerned about your cholesterol. Seriously, I'm getting whiplash from these guys. First they’re making the trains run on time, now they are tearing them apart.
(beat)
Remember last week, when I joked about the Sentient Toast Coalition starting a revolution with artisanal bread? Well, maybe it’s not so crazy after all. I mean, at least we’d have decent carbs during the apocalypse. Unlike Trump Steaks. Still not available, but heavily armed.
(beat, stares directly into the camera)
And that's the point, right? Distraction. Chaos. Keep us fighting each other while they pick our pockets clean. It’s like a magic trick: look over here at the tanks, the tweets, the terrifying new Surgeon General, anything, as long as you don't see what he's doing with the other hand.
It is an old trick, but it has been and continues to work.
It’s why my therapist is raising her rates. Thanks, Trump.
(beat)
And hey, at least one thing. If things get real bad there is a plan already prepared for you on what to do!
Just remember, when the tanks roll, bring sourdough. It’s the new Molotov cocktail. Trust me.