(BlueScream, the Cynical Millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage)
Okay, guys, so, did you SEE this mess in LA? Trump deploying the National Guard like he's staging a goddamn remake of Red Dawn? Over immigration protests? I swear, I’m starting to think this is all an elaborate audition for his next reality show: "America's Next Top Police State."
And the best part? They’re sending them in to protect ICE, you know, the guys who are just trying to… checks notes …rip families apart at graduation ceremonies? Real heroes, those ICE agents. Protecting us from… valedictorians.
And who’s footing the bill for this little authoritarian cosplay? Oh, just us, the taxpayers! $134 million, they’re saying? That’s like, my entire student loan debt… times a thousand! And that is going towards AI, which sounds like a joke, but probably is not!
And it’s not like we even have good leadership. The people that are supposed to take our problems seriously can’t do anything because they are not following a single plan to succeed. It’s all just a show, and they want to get in on it too.
And speaking of terrible leadership, did you see Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House, wants to get Newsom “tarred and feathered?" I’m pretty sure the last time anyone unironically suggested tarring and feathering, they were wearing a powdered wig and complaining about taxes on tea!
It’s just… what is with these people and their weird obsession with medieval torture techniques? Like, do they spend their weekends LARPing as inquisitors or something?
And it’s not just the Trump and his people, but the other people are just as bad. They are doing nothing, or talking about doing something, while the world is going to shit.
But hey, at least we’re being energy-efficient while our democracy is slowly burning to the ground. I saw that FEMA might get defunded. Because, like, who needs emergency services when you can just… thoughts and prayers your way out of a hurricane? “Thoughts and prayers, and also, maybe, a strongly worded tweet about the importance of bootstraps.”
(Takes a long sip of White Claw)
You know what’s really scary? This is our “normal” now. We’re so desensitized to the sheer volume of crazy that we barely even register it anymore.
It’s like that old joke about the frog in boiling water, except instead of water, it’s… gestures vaguely …all this. And instead of frogs, it’s millennials, drowning in student loan debt and existential dread, desperately trying to find the wifi password in the burning wreckage of late-stage capitalism.
So, yeah, $134 million for a military occupation of Los Angeles. That's the same price as almost all of the politicians' help. Make it make sense. And then tell them what that money could do for us.
(Looks directly at the imaginary bartender)
I’ll take another White Claw. And maybe a therapy dog. And a winning lottery ticket. Actually, just skip the lottery ticket. It’s probably rigged anyway.