(BlueScream, dressed in a power suit made from upcycled Amazon boxes, sips a lukewarm White Claw, a cynical millennial, leaning against a faux-marble pillar)
So, you guys seeing this whole Trump deploying the National Guard to LA thing? I swear, it's like a dystopian remake of La La Land, except instead of dreams, they're crushing dissent with rubber bullets. And what is the deal with this guy and violence?
And let's be real, who is the one funding the violence? Isn't it Trump? He has all the money and it always comes from him!
(Beat)
It's like, cool, National Guard. Real subtle, Don. Trying to win over California by invading it? Worked great in Vietnam, I'm sure this will be different.
And then there's this whole "No Kings" protest movement? Okay, fine. I dig the sentiment, but can we at least agree on a better slogan? It sounds like a rejected Burger King ad campaign. "Have it your way… unless you're a monarch!"
You know, what, you guys are probably tired of all of the politics? Well, too bad! Get ready for a long night, because this is just getting started!
You know what would be a great plan for America? If we could trade one of his states with Canada. I mean what is Alaska doing, anyway? Oh, that is because that way we can find a way to get rid of a bunch of red states and replace them with that one!
(Beat)
And these new tax cuts? Oh man, the government is coming and they are going to take your money and give it to someone else!
And don't even get me started on RFK Jr. and those anti-vax CDC appointments. Like, I'm pretty sure he gets his medical advice from carrier pigeons and aluminum foil hats. It's like, who needs peer-reviewed studies when you can have… brain worms? It’s the natural way.
(Pauses, takes a long sip)
But honestly, what do you expect to come from Harvard? We are supposed to know that it is one of the best schools in the world, but all of those people want to control us!
And as if on cue, a new story about our military budget? All those taxes from this point on going to the military?! It's like they're turning the American Dream into a nightmare… and charging us extra for the privilege.
(Looks around, lowers voice)
You know, sometimes I think we’re living in a simulation. Some bored alien is watching our planet and saying, “Hey, check out this one. They’re literally begging for a dictatorship!”
(Beat)
But seriously, it’s all connected. The chaos is the point. They are trying to keep us distracted while they build the Golden Dome missile shield. It is gold too, so if you have the money you will be safe.
And you know what? I'm not giving up. I'm starting a new podcast. It's called "Dystopian Dispatch." All it is, is me reading the news while eating a bowl of cereal.
And the more messed up the world gets, the crunchier the cereal will be.
Hey, can anyone spot me 400 million?