(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage)
Okay, guys, can we talk about this whole "Trump deploying the National Guard to LA" thing? I mean, seriously? It’s like he's trying to play SimCity, but the only building he knows how to construct is a goddamn police state. Seven hundred troops! In LA! For immigration protests? Like, has he seen LA traffic? It'll take them three hours just to get from Pasadena to Santa Monica. By the time they arrive, the revolution will be over, and everyone will be back at Erewhon buying $20 smoothies.
(beat)
And it gets better. Because the universe clearly has a sense of humor. This all comes after Congresswoman LaMonica McIver got indicted for impeding law enforcement during a confrontation at an immigration center. Right, because heaven forbid you interfere with ICE agents, even if they’re, you know, tearing families apart. It’s like, “Welcome to America! Enjoy your freedom! Now get on your knees and show us your papers.”
And you know what’s even crazier? All of this is happening while Trump’s administration is also asking the Supreme Court to clear the way for cuts to the Education Department. Yeah, let's defund education, because clearly, what this country needs is fewer informed citizens and more… well… more people who are easily swayed by propaganda and willing to blindly follow a reality TV star with a bad spray tan.
(Beat)
It all reminds me of this one time I tried to build IKEA furniture. I started with good intentions, right? But then I got overwhelmed by the instructions, lost half the screws, and ended up just taping the whole thing together with duct tape. And now that I think about it, I might actually have a better chance of assembling IKEA furniture with duct tape than fixing this country.
(Takes a long sip of White Claw)
The crazy just keeps escalating, like that Florida lawmaker wanted to arrest protesters. I just wanna know how much this has to escalate before they reach down from the heavens and snatch the whole world back up and put it back in the trash can where they found it!
And what makes me so mad is that, like, no one seems to be paying attention except for people like me. But here’s the kicker: if you just tune out the internet and just go to a friend’s house for a night, you feel, like, totally normal. Like everything is fine. And then you go back on your phone and suddenly you’re, like, drowning in dystopia again.
(beat, stares directly into the imaginary distance)
So what’s the takeaway here? Is it that we’re doomed? Is it that we should all move to a yurt in Montana and become self-sufficient survivalists? Maybe. But for now, I think it’s just that maybe this country is just that one piece of Ikea furniture everyone is always complaining about! It's just the same problems over and over and over again. It never ends! And as Joni Ernst would say, "We are all gonna die anyway!" So, take a moment to enjoy the things you can, before it all comes crashing down.
(Beat, shakes head) You know what? Maybe the furniture IS just the way it should be, and maybe all of these horrible things never happen. And then the asteroid takes us all away! So, that's it. That's where we are. Now, I'm gonna go finish this White Claw, and probably cry a little bit. Don't judge me. (Beat, looks directly to the camera) Remember, you are not alone. And if you are, the algorithms already know it. (BlueScream exits with a dejected shrug.)