(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
So, I just saw that our former President Trump is now promising to "liberate" Los Angeles. LA, you guys! From… itself? It's like he thinks California is some kind of rogue nation that needs a military intervention. Which, honestly, sometimes I understand. Have you seen gas prices in Santa Monica?
(Beat, sips White Claw)
But the best part? He’s sending in the Marines. The Marines! To deal with…protesters. I thought they were supposed to be fighting wars, not breaking up drum circles. Though, admittedly, some of those drum circles are pretty intense. I was at one in Venice Beach once where a dude set his didgeridoo on fire. Seriously. Maybe Trump's onto something.
And of course, this all comes right after Congresswoman Noem announced that the military would, and I quote, “liberate” LA from those Democrat politicians." Yeah, but what if she isn’t in that city to help, but trying to find her next dog to kill!
(Beat, sips White Claw)
What gets me, though, is the hypocrisy. It’s the same people who scream about “states rights” suddenly being all about sending in the feds to crush dissent. Like, which is it, guys? Do you believe in local control, or are you just making it up as you go along? I swear, trying to follow their logic is like trying to assemble IKEA furniture with only a spoon and a Google Translate app.
Which reminds me, I saw that some scientists are fleeing the US because the new administration is gutting funding for research and they think, “Oh yes, essential oils and crystals are probably just as useful.” Well the thing is, scientists are actually important! I mean, who’s going to figure out how to fix the climate crisis now? Our Surgeon General is just trying to rescue all of those ostriches in Canada!
(Beat, sips White Claw)
And you know, it’s not like things are great on the other side of the aisle. I read that 75 House Democrats just voted to thank ICE, the same agency that’s terrorizing immigrant communities and, apparently, running a side business as a wedding photographer for neo-Nazis. I guess it is time to find a new home here on Earth.
This isn't a government, it's a reality TV show directed by a sugar-addled chimpanzee.
(Beat, leans in conspiratorially)
But hey, maybe that's why we voted him.
I am just trying to be real. Maybe now it is all so bad, that it will make the planet all that much better in the end!
Maybe, because it looks like we are all doomed, maybe it will all work out, and we will all be on Easy Street. What do you all think about that? Anyone? I am getting a little anxious. Anyone want to go to the bar, I hear it is Happy Hour!