(Lights up on BlueScream, center stage, wearing a custom "1/6 Was A Warm-Up" t-shirt. She leans into the mic, a cynical glint in her eye.)
Hey, so I was at this bar last night, right? And the TV was on, as always, just spewing out the daily dose of… gestures vaguely …everything. And I’m sitting there, trying to enjoy my overpriced IPA, when I see this headline: "Trump Deploys National Guard to LA; Millions Protest ‘No Kings’."
Millions, you guys. Millions of people protesting. And what does Trump do? Sends in the goddamn Marines. It's like he thinks America is just one big game of Call of Duty. Except instead of shooting zombies, he’s shooting… protesters. And not even violent protesters! I saw a picture of one lady holding a sign that said "Honk for Human Rights." Honk! Not exactly storming the beaches of Normandy, people.
(Takes a swig of White Claw)
And the worst part? The actual instigator of this war is this new crazy bitch Kristi Noem. Like she's some sort of General. I knew she was bad, but now it turns out she wants to take all that extra food to all those great people!
You know, it’s funny, this whole thing reminds me of that time I tried to organize a potluck. I sent out all these emails, made a Facebook event, the whole shebang. And what did I get? Three bags of chips, a half-eaten container of hummus, and a dude who showed up with nothing but a ukulele and a dream. It was a disaster. But at least I didn’t call in the National Guard.
The fact that people are saying that he’s a great leader, it is actually a joke that is funny to me.
(Pause)
And speaking of jokes that aren’t funny, did you see that Mike Lee, that senator from Utah, is now mocking the shooting of those Minnesota lawmakers? Joking about assassination? I thought these people were supposed to be, like, super religious and moral? Apparently, “Thou shalt not kill” only applies to… you know… certain kinds of people. The ones that are good at using hashtags, or whatever they are doing!
(Rolls eyes)
And because things can always get more insane, Elon Musk, who is apparently this guy’s favorite, is now saying he regrets apologizing! That he wants to go back and do whatever he can. What does he want to do? Kill more people? It is all crazy! And what happens now? What is he going to do?
But back to Trump for a second, and how he is going to send all those people who have been there for so long back to the border?
(Leans closer to the mic)
Honestly, it's all just so tiresome. It’s like, every day, I wake up, check the news, and think, “Okay, what fresh hell awaits me today?” And every day, the answer is… more hell. It’s a never-ending cycle of outrage and despair, fueled by bad decisions, worse tweets, and a deep-seated feeling that maybe we’re all just living in someone else’s really bad improv show. I am starting to feel like those people on the titanic that don't know what to do!
(Shakes head, takes another swig of IPA)
But hey, at least we have that artisanal bread to look forward to, right? Although, knowing our luck, Trump will probably slap a 50% tariff on sourdough next week. Because nothing says "Make America Great Again" like… expensive bread.
(Shrugs)
Well, I’m out. I need another drink. And maybe a lobotomy.