(BlueScream, the Cynical Millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
Okay, so, has anyone else noticed that the headlines are starting to sound like Mad Libs written by QAnon lunatics? Like, "Trump Deploys National Guard to LA Because [Celebrity] is Secretly a [Lizard Person]." It's getting real out there, you know? And let’s be honest, in the last few weeks it has been the wildest of times.
Like, okay, Trump is deploying the National Guard to LA. Again. I thought we were told this was just a temporary thing.
(Takes a sip of her White Claw)
And who’s running this whole show? DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, who, by the way, had to be rushed to the hospital after an allergic reaction. Allergic to what, exactly? Empathy? Human decency? The smell of books? I'm placing my bets on “facts.”
(Beat, sips White Claw)
It's like she looked at that copy of the constitution and said, “Oh my god, I’m allergic to this! I can’t be around this!”
You know, you gotta feel for career ICE agents, if the goal is to strike fear. Are they all bad? It's just the point of it all!
(Leans forward, conspiratorially)
But the real story here? It’s not the deployment, it’s not the protests, it’s the fact that the Senate Republicans are using all this chaos as cover to sneak in even more cuts to Medicaid. I am actually scared for the future of my planet and for the love of everything can’t make it better!
Medicaid, you guys! The thing that helps poor people not die! And they are trying to take that away?
It is not just that there is no hope, that everyone is lying to the new generation. But there is something that can be done about it. It’s like this: This new world where the most important thing is to not care about everyone and to make all these things!
And the only part that I actually even care about!
It reminds me of those moments when I was trying to be a normal girl, but they won’t want you there.
(Beat, long drag on White Claw)
You know, it’s all so exhausting. It’s like we’re living in a season finale of a show that just keeps getting renewed, even though the plot makes no sense anymore and the characters have all become unlikeable. I swear, half the time, I can’t tell if I’m watching the news or just doomscrolling through Twitter after eating a weed brownie.
(Looks directly into the camera)
I need a vacation. Maybe a one-way trip to Mars. Anyone got Elon’s number? Actually, scratch that. I don’t trust that guy any further than I can throw a Cybertruck.
(Beat, shakes head)
So yeah, National Guard in LA, more cuts to Medicaid, and a former president running a crypto scam from his golf course. Just another Tuesday in the good old US of A.
And to the woman who told me that everything would be okay, I am here to say “It didn’t!”
This has been the dumbest thing. BlueScream OUT!