(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
Okay, okay, so this week, I’m trying to figure out what's worse: The fact that Trump is seemingly itching for a war with Iran so bad that he is willing to leave the G7 because of what he said was a Middle East crisis but can't seem to explain to everyone how he is going to do it, or the fact that these right-wingers keep talking about those great, historic and wonderful times that used to be there all along. Yeah, those were the days, right? A bunch of people who were good to their people, and so much for everyone else.
(Beat, sips White Claw)
I'm starting to think maybe we're all just living in a simulation, and the programmers are just running out of ideas.
Like, did you see that the White House wants you to remember the big, beautiful plan they have? Oh, yes, the big, beautiful plan that will make all the right people very rich again!
And I read recently that because there are all those people who are now saying that we should all listen to each other, the right-wing are saying we can’t say all of those things out loud because they might hurt the kids. I'm really starting to believe it's over for the US, no matter what happens at this point. But the worst part is it’s not going to stop! It is all gonna keep going!
(Beat, sips White Claw)
You know, what, these guys are nuts!
But then on a more serious note, what is the deal with everything involving RFK Jr.? I thought his family was royalty! Was it all just a lie this whole time? And there is one thing this man can think about, it is saving the animals! Oh my god that is a lot to have going on at the time! I'm gonna kill them. Or myself.
(Stares at the White Claw)
You know what? Maybe the best thing we can do is just… lean into the crazy. Maybe we should all start wearing tinfoil hats and speaking in tongues and demanding that the government release the Kraken. Maybe if we embrace the absurdity, it will all start to make sense.
That's what I always do. All I can do is listen to that album. That way everything will fall into place. Everything will be what is wanted and nothing else would matter to me.
(Long pause, staring into the middle distance)
I'm just saying, if you can't beat them, join them. Or, you know, just keep drinking White Claw until the asteroid hits. Whatever works.
(BlueScream drains the White Claw, tosses the can offstage, and exits with a mumbled, "Sentient toast coalition, here I come…")