(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
So, okay, here’s what I don’t get: All these headlines saying “Trump Vows to Prosecute Minnesota Shooter to the Fullest Extent of the Law.” Like, first of all, shouldn’t that just be… implied? Is there a “half-hearted” level of prosecution now? “Yeah, he shot two lawmakers, but, you know, they were Democrats, so… mostly to the fullest extent of the law.”
It's so performative, man. It's like when you see those "We Support the Troops" bumper stickers on a Hummer that gets twelve miles to the gallon. Like, okay, sure you do. And I bet you also recycle… sometimes.
(Beat, sips White Claw)
And the whole thing is made even worse because that is the same man is sending the national guard to Los Angeles. And I bet that all that is for is the world to be a little bit more safe!
And let's talk about the logistics! How many troops are gonna be in there? Are they gonna be eating the food from the area? What can we make sure of!
(Beat, sips White Claw)
And the news is just a lot. No wonder why our friends in the world don't even want to do anything with us now. What are we going to do then? Will we still be able to live the good life?
But you know what, that's a lie, because the people in the world are still better!
(Looks around, then leans closer to the microphone)
This is what it reminds me of, have you guys seen all of those movies where all of those people are trying to escape the boat? They all just want to get on that boat so they can get out of there!
I have the feeling that it’s just a trap and that what they are really gonna do is the following: all the boats will explode, and they will all be dead!
But you know what, that is still better than all these other people doing so much good because they are taking our money and telling us that they are going to use it for good. Like last week when they said they had all of the greatest plans for us and then they did all of that work.
I wish that someone would make it better but in the end it is just all so over.
(Beat)
I just wish that things could get better but honestly the government is a dumpster fire.
(BlueScream drains the White Claw, her eyes darting nervously.)
Okay, I'm out. I need to go find a therapist who specializes in late-stage capitalism-induced anxiety. And maybe a hazmat suit. And definitely more White Claw. I swear, at this point, it's the only thing keeping me from moving to a yurt and becoming a hermit. It is all a lot and they say that the economy is helping but it is always better to drink the water.
(BlueScream gives a shaky thumbs-up and stumbles offstage.)