(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare.)
Okay, so, like, I’m trying to make sense of this whole Iran situation, right? Trump’s bombing nuclear sites, AOC's calling for impeachment, and the best my brain can come up with is, "Is this the plot of the next Call of Duty game?"
Seriously, it’s all just…too much. It’s like, one minute we’re worried about avocado toast, the next minute we’re hurtling toward World War III. And what’s the plan? Like, are we even sure those Iranian nuclear sites were actually… you know… nuclear? What if we just bombed a bunch of really expensive sand?
I mean, remember WMDs in Iraq? I'm pretty sure my generation is permanently scarred by that whole experience. It's like, thanks for the trust issues, guys. Now I can't even believe my dating app profiles.
And speaking of things that are hard to believe, did you see where Randi Weingarten, the head of the Teachers Union, just QUIT the DNC? Like, even she’s had enough. It’s like the rats are fleeing a sinking ship, except the ship is… American democracy. Which, let’s be honest, has been taking on water for years.
And where is the plan? All I am seeing are memes!
It's just, like, where is everyone's common sense?
I mean, at this point, I’m fully expecting the next election to be decided by a TikTok dance-off. Or maybe a cage match between Trump and… AOC? Okay, I’d actually pay to see that.
But for real, can we at least try to have some adults in the room? I’m not saying I have all the answers. I’m just saying that maybe, just maybe, we should stop getting our foreign policy advice from Twitter and start listening to… I don’t know… experts?
I’d be happy to give you all 1000 if you were to start looking into the code. What if this all has to do with the government being upset about how all of those people are leaving for space, and they can't be taxed!
Oh, I almost forgot. Did you see where that state wants to put all those immigrants in a detention center surrounded by alligators! Alligators! It is so stupid it feels like the guy who thought of it doesn't even think that there are people who do not deserve this kind of treatment to put them in a cage with alligators.
(Beat, a slow smile spreads across her face)
You know what? I think I just figured out my 2028 campaign slogan. “BlueScream: At Least I’m Not Putting People in Alligator Pits.” It’s got a ring to it, right? Plus, it’s a low bar, but hey, these days, that’s all it takes to win an election. At this point, you might as well just find something that is so bad and then say you aren’t doing it! So that's it. I am BlueScream and you are here with me. If that’s what all you want to get done in this world, then I can make a promise that is what happens. Thank you.