(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
Okay, so, hear me out. I think I’ve figured out the Trump strategy. It’s not about making America great again, it’s about making it so bad, we all just give up and move to Canada.
Seriously, look at the headlines. He literally bombed Iran because he heard a voice on a golf course tell him to do it. Then, not only does the government announce they’ve been trying to find new ways to say to do it!
And then, like, the Supreme Court is just signing off on it. It’s like they’re deliberately trying to make us all lose faith in democracy. Is the goal just to get us to stop paying taxes?!
(Beat, sips White Claw)
But you know what’s really messed up? All these think pieces about what it all means. Like, “Oh, is this a sign of Trump’s growing isolationism?” “Is this a calculated move to appeal to his base?” No, you guys. It's just crazy. Like, maybe the dude just likes explosions. Ever think of that?
And it’s also funny that all the people there are saying that Trump is just trying to say, "Hey, let me get over these things, or else." So it’s just about money. Which makes me sick, but I'm gonna make so much money that you won’t believe me. I will do anything at this point.
(Beat, sips White Claw)
You know what this all reminds me of? When I was a kid, my little brother used to build these elaborate Lego castles, right? And then, like, five minutes later, he’d just smash them all to pieces. That’s basically what Trump is doing with America, except instead of Legos, it’s the global economy, and instead of a five-year-old, it’s… a seventy-something-year-old with access to nuclear weapons and a Twitter account.
(Beat, leans in conspiratorially)
You know what, I think that’s it. It’s all just a big performance, a way to distract us. From what, you ask? From the lizard people, duh. They’re out there, folks, and they're coming for our White Claws.
(Looks around nervously, then drains the White Claw in one gulp)
Okay, I'm out. I gotta go stock up on tinfoil and learn how to code. And maybe invest in a good therapist. Because if I have to listen to one more talking head explain Trump’s “strategy” in Iran, I’m gonna lose it. Seriously.
(Exits abruptly, muttering about lizard people and 5G conspiracy)