(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
Okay, so, seriously, what is happening? I feel like I’m trapped in a really bad simulation written by a bot that only watches Fox News and TikTok.
Trump’s still bombing Iran, right? Like, still bombing. It’s been almost two weeks. I’m starting to think he just really likes the sound of explosions. Maybe he's got some kind of weird ASMR thing going on with Tomahawk missiles. Turns out it was just a ploy to sell a bunch of coins. Now all those people are in jail for trading money with it, which is funny because you can't use it!
And then I read that they need to stop Medicaid from giving those things to women, like you can get it from there like it's the grocery store.
(Sighs, takes a long sip of White Claw)
You know, what's even more insane? People are actually thinking that that guy is gonna win the election in a few years. We’re so doomed, you guys. Doomed! We’re gonna be living in a world where the President is just a guy who yells at clouds and sells crypto scams. The future is so bright I gotta squint!
And I had a dream that said if the leader doesn't change then we are all going to live forever!
(Shakes head)
I mean, remember when they used to say “Think globally, act locally”? Now it’s “Panic globally, hoard artisanal sourdough starter locally.”
And speaking of acting - do you guys remember that old song from The Beatles?
"Let it be"
That is all that those guys have to say.
Like, if it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen. There is no point in doing much.
It’s gotten so bad that I’m actually starting to feel bad for the interns in DC. Can you imagine showing up for your summer internship and realizing you’re basically a glorified extra in a disaster movie? They’re probably spending their days learning how to craft the perfect Instagram caption for the apocalypse. "Just another day in the nation's capital! #DystopianSummer #InternLife #SendHelp"