(Lights dim, spotlight on a lone stool center stage. A Cynical Millennial, early 30s, wearing ripped jeans, a band t-shirt, and ironic glasses, shuffles to the mic, nursing a White Claw.)
Alright, alright, settle down, future roommates. So, I'm seeing this thing about Trump wanting to put his face on Mount Rushmore? And I’m thinking, yeah, that tracks. I mean, what’s more on-brand for a guy obsessed with monuments to himself than… well, a literal monument to himself?
It’s like, instead of a peaceful retirement, he wants to be immortalized as a giant rock head, staring blankly over the South Dakota plains for all eternity. As if we weren’t already reminded enough of his “accomplishments.”
And you know what’s even more depressing? He's gonna pull it off, too. One way or another, it is just gonna happen. I am so scared.
(beat, sips White Claw)
You know, I used to think peak narcissism was those Instagram influencers who take pictures of themselves doing yoga poses in front of ancient ruins. But, as usual, Trump has managed to one-up everyone. Carving your likeness into a goddamn mountain? That’s not just narcissism, that’s… geological narcissism.
And hey! If he puts his face on the Rushmore what is that supposed to do? The National Park is gonna get all that money and do something for the government.
(beat, looks directly into the crowd)
Speaking of heads, did you all read that those people were talking about how they wanna have some action over at the Supreme Court. Oh the people, the Supreme Court!
(Shakes head)
But, you know, gotta hand it to him, he’s consistent. Always thinking big. I bet he's already planning his funeral. Like, instead of a coffin, he’ll just be lowered into the ground in a golden escalator. And instead of a eulogy, it’ll just be a three-hour loop of him saying “I’m really rich, you know?”
(Beat)
But then I saw this other headline and I was thinking “okay, maybe it is not all just him.”
You guys hear about that thing where there is some guy that got to do those things? He is going to be getting it done in Texas, and not just that, there is gonna be all this support for it!
(Shakes head again)
It is just so much money, you know?
(Looks around)
I mean what is everyone gonna say is that now all of this is just a joke for all of us!
I think what this reminds me of is that thing about when people were saying we can’t have any freedom but maybe we can have people for all of that.
And to think, not even a week ago I was looking at them and saying there are a lot of great things about them but that doesn't really help for all of those people back then, right? I wish I could be in that world with that kind of life so then maybe I would know what it all means. And this is just what is gonna be happening and people better get ready to know what is going on.
(beat, a wry smile)
Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that Trump wants to be immortalized on Mount Rushmore, or the fact that, knowing our luck, he probably will.
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