(leans into the mic, like sharing a secret)
Hey, guys, you hearing about this Alligator Alcatraz thing? Straight out of a Bond villain's rejected pitch meeting, right? Alligator Alcatraz - that is so, so messed up, but not as messed up as they are taking money and time to take away our minds. And honestly, if you are a nice guy you are just not as long as my people!
(a beat, a quick sip of beer)
You know, for a minute I thought it was just some weird Florida fever dream, but then Kristi Noem, right? The human embodiment of taxidermied roadkill, is out there spinning this story about a cannibal on an ICE deportation flight. A cannibal! I mean, come on! Is that even legal? Like, what’s the in-flight movie, Alive? Does he get extra peanuts for…protein? So what's the plan - this has the feeling of an episode of Oz or the Walking Dead.
(beat)
And as all of this is happening, you know with the new tax and spending bills and such, someone is saying it, and I was reading that the new guy that came down from NY. You know all the things that he’s doing is all to help all these people!
Okay but back to the topic can we actually see this new list thing? Is he really just the one that got elected to do this? Is he making a ton of money in all of this?
It’s just that this makes me feel like he knows what he is doing, but also you know it’s probably all just the same things with all of this.
(pauses, looks around, a slight frown)
You know, it all just reminds me of when my grandma took me to the zoo as a kid. She was always like, "Look at the monkeys, they're just like us!" And I was like, "Yeah, but they don't have crippling student loan debt."
(beat, shakes head)
Anyway, so yeah, alligators, cannibals, and what is it… like 177 million dollars more for ICE? To build bigger cages? Better alligators? A whole damn army!
We are done with all the other great stuff.
But there's a new person in New York - you might say she is pretty crazy herself! - and all she wants to do is do what is right!
(leans in close to the mic)
The real crazy is that the one person who knows what to do is gonna do nothing, because all of this is what she is trying to get all of the people to see. So you want to know what you can do? Tell them and show them that you are in it for the long run!
So that what these people say may actually make a difference and we are all gonna be okay in the end!
(beat, a small smile)
And if that don’t make it. then, well, at least the alligators will have a good meal.
(BlueScream shrugs and saunters off, leaving the audience in stunned silence.)