(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare.)
Alright, so, I'm seeing this Paramount thing, right? They’re handing over 16 million dollars to Trump, over a Kamala Harris interview that, let’s be honest, no one even remembers. Sixteen million! I’m pretty sure I could live in that new Alligator Alcatraz for, like, a thousand years on that kind of cash. And the press, they are not going to tell the truth!
(beat, sips White Claw)
And all of this, like, to get this merger approved. It’s like, hey, you know what, guys? You don't need to do it if you don't want to do it.
(Scoffs)
I mean, haven’t these people ever seen The Godfather? You don’t negotiate with a guy like Trump, you just… you know… make him an offer he can't refuse. Like, maybe a lifetime supply of tanning bed sessions? Or a golden toilet seat? I don’t know, I’m spitballing here.
(beat, sips White Claw)
And it's not just the money, it's the principle, right? Like, what does this say about journalism? About the First Amendment? It says that a corporation is more terrified of hurting a politician's fee fees.
And I read that Trump is going to do something or the other but what if the next one is about something!
Okay, so they are just buying them on all those different things at all those schools but they are also going to help a lot of people be done! What is wrong with these people
(Beat)
It reminds me of all the times that me and my family have been talking about all of that new kind of stuff, and then at the last time there is just nothing left to do. But that’s also when the aliens are supposed to get here.
(Beat)
So, just to recap: We’re living in a world where a media conglomerate is basically bribing the President of the United States. I've been saying we were heading for the end times.
(Beat)
Oh yeah, and just a reminder, that I am running for president in 2028! So there!
(BlueScream shrugs and stumbles offstage, muttering about the Illuminati and the healing powers of crystals)