(sound of ice clinking in a glass, a long sigh)
Alright, alright, settle down, future roommates. Is the audio on this thing? Cool, cool.
So, I'm seeing this thing about Trump wanting to host a UFC fight at the White House on July 4th? A UFC fight? Like, instead of fireworks and apple pie, we get cage fighting and… uh… what do patriots even eat at UFC fights? Steroids and protein shakes?
It’s a subtle, nuanced move, really. Perfect for a country celebrating its independence.
What’s this next? Oh, you want to talk about the other thing about him, the one about all the new AI on the border and the ones who think they know the right thing? Well, as it turns out, I had to go to a meeting, and do you think those people even knew the right thing? What do I even know?
You wanna know what is funny, that all of this is going to be a new thing. The new thing is that all those people will be so crazy about the things that they are saying at all of these points.
(A beat)
And see, that reminds me, I read that thing about these people being excited and getting to move forward. You know, that makes me all the more scared! I mean are they gonna put me in there or something?
Okay, okay, okay. So, can we talk about the thing? It seems like no one has seen the new thing that people are now able to do in this world.
So I guess they can take that one for me.
(beat)
But, you know what, all of this is still just a distraction. See, do you know why it is? It is because we cannot be ready for the data they are stealing! I think they are going to make new laws based on what our searches were!
And I swear, if I find out that they’re using my search history to create a personalized ad campaign for… checks notes… adult diapers and denture adhesive, I’m joining the Amish.
It’s all just so dumb. It makes me want to run for office!
It all reminds me of that thing I was gonna build before. What do you guys think?
(beat)
Okay, well, I'm out of here. I'm going to go find my therapist and get the good and bad.
Anyway, anyone wanna come with? First round’s on me. You know if the White House is gonna be hosting UFC fights, might as well have a front row seat to the end of the world.