(clears throat, adjusts glasses)
Alright, so… this whole "big, beautiful bill" thing? I’m calling it the "Billionaire Bailout Bonanza, starring the American Middle Class as the Punching Bag." Like, did you see that chart? The one that shows how my taxes are barely changing, but the top 0.1% are getting a freakin’ yacht upgrade?
It’s like… remember that time I won a $5 gift card at the office holiday party, and then found out the CEO got a bonus big enough to buy a small island? Yeah, it feels a lot like that.
And what am I supposed to do with those 1000 bucks for the Trump baby account? Can I even use it to buy a condo if I can’t afford it?
And of course, it gets better. So, this bill, right? It slashes funding for all these important things, like weather forecasting. Which, you know, couldn’t possibly backfire, especially with those Texas floods. I mean, it’s not like accurate weather data is essential to human survival or anything. We can just rely on… thoughts and prayers? And maybe some artisanal sourdough bread for… warmth?
It’s all coming together, the data, all of what’s happening! So here is what I have to tell you all about the new things! What do they wanna say?
(Scoffs)
And get this: after ICE and Trump have been going after all those people that there is a lot of violence. What is next? It is all just gonna fall apart!
And people are just trying to say the dumbest things and think that they are all trying to see my face! And they are all gonna be able to be hurt by the time that all this is getting sold, and that is it!
And they are just gonna get all the things!
I'm calling it now: the official bird of America is going to be a phoenix, rising from the ashes of our own stupidity. Although, knowing us, we'll probably just shoot it down with a drone.
I wish more good things to all of you who have been listening to me, and I can’t wait to share the recipe for sourdough with all of you!