(sound of ice clinking in a glass, a long sigh)
So, like, you guys hear about this “One Big Beautiful Bill” that Trump finally signed into law? I swear, every time I hear that phrase, I picture him trying to build a Lego house, and then just smashing it with a tiny, gold-plated hammer. Which, if we’re being honest, might actually improve some of the architecture in this country.
And you wanna know what I did today? I had to call the credit card company because it looks like the new laws are all doing all of those things that people have been saying in the TV with the government! You know all those things that you are supposed to take from them?
But here's the thing!
What am I even gonna do with it?
(Beat, sips White Claw)
But you know what really gets me? The utter lack of self-awareness. Like, they're pushing this bill as some kind of economic savior, while simultaneously cutting funding for, like, everything. We are all just getting what we wanted and now all of these guys are here!
Did you hear what those people wanted? What are they gonna say when those guys come back?
It’s like, hey, sorry about the rising sea levels and the collapsing infrastructure, but at least the top 1% got a tax break! You can use that extra three grand to… buy a slightly less leaky bucket, maybe? For what reason would it matter to you if you got what you want!
(Beat)
I'm starting to think this whole thing is just an elaborate social experiment. Like, they’re trying to see how much bullshit we can take before we finally snap and, like, start a revolution fueled by avocado toast and righteous indignation. I mean, if that's the case, I know who's gonna be the person to fight for us for the world!
And to do it that way with a plan with how the guy with power who has an idea. Like, okay!
So, what’s the takeaway from all this? Well, I'm not entirely sure. But I think it’s safe to say that we’re living in interesting times. Or, as the Chinese curse goes, “May you live in interesting times… and be completely broke.”
(Beat, looks directly into the camera, a mischievous glint in her eye)
But hey, at least the weather is nice! Oh wait, no it’s not. There's a flood in Texas. My condolences, guys.
Oh, and speaking of Texas, did you see that this guy got fired for talking about there, you know, what those guys were thinking about with what was getting said! What are you even supposed to do!
But I want to know about all those thoughts for you before you do everything. It’s just a way of saying things!
But that is just how it is, and I am so tired from doing it so yeah!
(BlueScream raises her White Claw, a silent toast to the absurdity of it all, and then wanders offstage, presumably to go binge-watch cat videos and contemplate the impending apocalypse.)