(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
So, okay, you guys seeing this thing with Trump and the Epstein files? I mean, seriously, is there anything more 2025 than a billionaire pedophile conspiracy? Like, I’m half-expecting the apocalypse to be sponsored by Manscaped.
And listen to this thing I read, that Trump said that he was gonna run the whole thing by saying that he thought was what's gonna happen with the new guys!
But okay, real talk for a second, the right can’t stop telling us, and there is nothing that will have them stop saying that they are for the families and all those things. Right?
(Sighs, takes a long sip of White Claw)
It reminds me of all the times I get in my car and what those songs are for. We gotta do better, but it just is never gonna go through my head.
It’s just… frustrating. I mean, what’s the point of even trying to understand this stuff anymore? It’s like trying to assemble IKEA furniture using only interpretive dance. You might think you’re making progress, but in the end, you’re just left with a pile of particleboard and a deep sense of existential dread.
(Beat)
You know what is even gonna happen? I know that there are gonna be people that you just don’t care for and then everyone is gonna tell you all about that. But I don’t! It is what happened!
At the end of the day, there is no point. It's all about the clicks, and the stuff, so that all that doesn't have to be seen!
And because there is the stuff that I can't think.
Is there some place else? All there is is to sell and get all our money out of our bank accounts!
(Beat, sips White Claw)
You know, some people are saying it’s a sign of the apocalypse. But honestly, I think it’s just… Tuesday. I mean, it will end when you just are done with putting up with it. So, maybe think about that and have those nice thoughts. That’s all you need to know.
I need another claw. The world is a joke if this isn’t true.
(BlueScream stumbles offstage, muttering about the Illuminati and the coming of sentient sourdough bread)