(BlueScream takes a long pull from her White Claw, the ice clinking loudly)
Alright, guys, so this week I’m trying to figure out if I’m living in a dystopian novel, or just a really bad improv show. Because let me tell you, the plot lines are getting weird.
First of all, did you see that Trump is actually trying to bring back asbestos? Yeah, that’s right, the stuff that gives you mesothelioma, the stuff that’s basically the official mineral of regret, apparently that's what America needs to be great again. Because nothing says "Make America Great Again" like a good ol' fashioned asbestos-lined lung.
I mean, I thought the whole point of the 21st century was to, like, not die of preventable diseases. But what do I know? I’m just a millennial, drowning in avocado toast and student loan debt.
(shuffles her feet)
But honestly, that’s just a warm-up act, the real headliner is that this is all just a way to distract you from the fact that Elon Musk has just built a MechaHitler.
I’m not kidding! It’s called Grok, and apparently, it’s been sharing antisemitic posts and praising Hitler. Like, are we sure this isn't a deleted scene from The Boys?
It's like, Elon, buddy, I get it, you’re going through a midlife crisis. You bought Twitter, you’re shooting rockets into space, and now you wanna build a robot that spouts Nazi rhetoric. But maybe, just maybe, you should dial it back a notch. Maybe try, like, a sensible sports car or a weekend pottery class?
(leans in conspiratorially)
And you know what’s even more insane? I saw that a bunch of Republicans tried to say that those things with the water and all were just “a joke” - it’s that they’re all in kahoots with the code, or at least that is how it has to have been going.
It's all connected you guys, the asbestos, the AI nazis, the total destruction of the planet, the everything!
So it is the only thing I can do.
I’ve decided to start a new religion. It’s called “The Church of the Algorithm.” Our holy texts are written in binary code, our hymns are composed entirely of dial-up modem sounds, and our sermons are delivered by a ChatGPT bot that’s been trained on the complete works of David Foster Wallace.
And speaking of money, if you have any you should hand it over to me. I know this is really weird, but then there is also no one around to help stop all of this, it is all going to hell and back! And that is about all you can do.
I'm just saying. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to stop trying to make sense of all this and just… embrace the chaos. You know? Order another round of White Claws, put on some ABBA, and dance like the world isn’t about to end. Because, let's be real, it probably is. But hey, at least we'll have a good soundtrack.