(sips beer loudly)
Okay, so, I’m seeing all this stuff, right? About how Trump's over there acting like he has any idea what he’s doing with Iran. It’s like, didn’t we learn our lesson with Iraq? Are we just gonna keep playing whack-a-mole with Middle Eastern countries until the sun implodes?
And you know what? I'm all about all of these other things! If that is what it is supposed to be! What about the last time this happened? Oh that’s right! It's all just a thing that has to be done with that! But all those guys didn't tell me what's about to come!
(beat)
But what gets me, what really gets me, is how the news just keeps hitting us all at once!
I swear, one minute I’m reading about ICE detaining a disabled veteran – a citizen, by the way – the next minute I’m scrolling through Instagram and seeing some influencer hawking “detox teas” made from, like, crushed-up crystals and unicorn tears. It’s like, can we please pick a lane, people? Are we living in a fascist police state or a new age wellness retreat? Because right now it feels like both, simultaneously.
And did you guys hear about that teacher?! Can you believe he thought it was a good idea to tell all of his students about the Epstein list?!
(leans in conspiratorially)
I swear, sometimes I think we’re all living in a simulation designed by some bored alien who’s just trying to see how much cognitive dissonance the human brain can handle before it finally short-circuits.
But then I remember my grandma. She said, “Hey, you know what? What if all the people are just good!”
(beat)
And the worst part is, there's just these things that have us so stuck!
There’s no point in doing all this stuff and the only point to all of it is… for our brains to get hurt!! I swear it would actually not be that bad to go back to talking about the people who are like the only people!
But hey, what do I know? I’m just a millennial, drowning in debt and fueled by a potent mix of caffeine and crippling anxiety.
The people at the top, I am just gonna let them go!
You know, I’m starting to wonder if maybe the key to surviving the apocalypse isn’t building a bunker or stockpiling canned goods. Maybe it’s just… learning to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Because if we can’t laugh, then all these things can just eat us alive! ```