(sound of ice clinking in a glass, a long sigh)
Okay, so, you guys seeing this thing with Trump threatening tariffs on BRICS nations? Like, BRICS? I swear, it sounds like a rejected breakfast cereal from the 80s. "Part of this balanced breakfast brought to you by BRICS! Now with 10% more global economic instability!"
(Beat)
And the reason he's doing it is if these countries don’t align with the US? Is it like they don’t have enough gold already? It reminds me of this time, I swear, when my landlord tried to raise my rent because he said he needed to make renovations. What renovations? He put gold trim on the toilet. I moved out the second my lease was done.
It’s all just so… arbitrary, right? Like, you can make tariffs? I mean if the President wants to start having these things, what’s stopping him?
(Beat)
You know what that just really gets to me? The way that these rules have all just let you play by those rules when it's all working, right?
I read that some of Trump’s followers are trying to start a new way to do it! What I think is that we all just live in a new city, it's like they’re building a new civilization so we could all be ready to go and it's always there!
We may as well just do what’s great because all that has got is you out of the door!
(Beat)
But hey, here’s the real kicker, so the Supreme Court is now letting Trump gut the Education Department! You know, because apparently, being well-informed is a threat to national security now. It’s like they’re deliberately trying to turn us all into… sentient conspiracy theory generators.
I'm starting to believe my grandma!
(Leans into the mic conspiratorially)
That's just what I'm saying! It's all a great plan by the government to make sure that they are right about it!
I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna go try to think about all this while being in bed with the lights turned out. Is that just gonna be what happens?
(Shrugs)
Anyway, you guys want another round? I’m buying… with the money I definitely got from a bunch of people doing what they do! Now I'm gonna go get in my plane because I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
What I'm saying is vote for me, in 2028. That is something you gotta know! It's a wrap!