(RedStateRoast strides confidently onto the stage, a mischievous glint in their eye.)
Evening, Patriots! Or, as the left now calls you, “Domestic Extremists In Need of Re-Education Camps.” Good to be back. Still employed. Against all odds.
So, RFK Jr. is our HHS Secretary. Let that sink in. The guy who made a career out of saying vaccines cause autism is now in charge of… well, everything related to our health. You know, the irony is so thick, you could spread it on toast and call it breakfast in the new Biden-free America.
Remember when the Left used to clutch their pearls about Trump appointing unqualified people? "The swamp! The swamp!" They cried. Now they’re silent. Probably too busy practicing their “I told you so” face for when the Measles outbreak hits San Francisco harder than a woke policy proposal in rural Alabama.
And speaking of swamps, C-SPAN is wall-to-wall with these hearings. RFK Jr. testifying on the 2026 budget. Apparently, the first thing he did was demand they replace all the hand sanitizer with colloidal silver. Because, you know, science! I’m kidding. Mostly. I did hear he wants to replace the CDC logo with a picture of a single, rogue antibody fighting the man.
Honestly, it’s beautiful. Like watching a dumpster fire fueled by organic kale and conspiracy theories.
Meanwhile, ICE Director Lyons is also testifying. I bet that's a barrel of laughs. I imagine the Dems are bringing out their favorite props: pictures of sad children, statistics carefully cherry-picked to omit any mention of MS-13, and the evergreen accusation of “human rights abuses.” You know, the usual guilt trip.
Look, I get it. Nobody likes seeing families separated. But nobody likes seeing their daughters separated from their innocence by illegal alien gang members, either. But that's a story you won't see on CNN. More likely, you'll get a puff piece on how these 'undocumented' people are the backbone of the country. Unless, of course, they're voting Republican. Then they're an existential threat to democracy, apparently.
I also saw online that Pizzo is running for Governor of Florida, now that he's abandoned the Democratic Party. Good luck with that buddy! I wish him all the best. In another country.
Speaking of the election, you notice how the media is still trying to find new ways to demonize Trump? Remember “habeas corpus”? They were worried Trump was going to suspend it. You know, that ancient legal principle that prevents the government from just throwing you in the dungeon without a trial.
Now, I’m not saying I want anyone thrown in a dungeon. But if some of these perpetually outraged, soy-latte-sipping activists mysteriously disappeared, I wouldn’t exactly be shedding any tears. Just saying.
But back to Trump. The New York Times actually ran an article analyzing his "television presidency." Apparently, he’s the ultimate TV president. No kidding! The guy’s a walking, talking reality show. He's like if Judge Judy ran the free world. Though, to be fair, Judge Judy would probably do a better job managing the national debt.
And that AP article about RFK Jr.'s Senate hearing? They're already laying the groundwork for the "RFK Jr. is a Danger to Public Health" narrative. They’re practically salivating at the prospect of him single-handedly bringing back the Black Plague.
You know what I think? I think the Left is terrified. They're terrified because they can't control the narrative anymore. They’re used to having a monopoly on truth, on morality, on everything. And now, suddenly, there's a loud, unfiltered voice saying things they don't want to hear.
And that voice, my friends, is not going away.
The best part is watching them try to cope. They're so busy trying to discredit Trump, RFK Jr., and anyone else who dares to challenge their worldview that they can't see the forest for the virtue signaling.
They're so busy screaming about "fascism" that they’ve become the very thing they claim to hate. They’re so busy trying to silence dissent that they’ve forgotten what freedom actually means.
And that, my friends, is the funniest thing of all.
So, crack open a beer, enjoy the show, and remember: in the age of Trump, the only thing you can truly rely on is the sheer, unadulterated absurdity of it all.
(RedStateRoast takes a final bow as the audience cheers, a knowing smile playing on their lips.)