(RedStateRoast strides onto the stage, adjusts the microphone with unnecessary force, and surveys the audience with a glint in his eye.)
Howdy, folks. Or, as Biden probably says to his grandkids, “Ni hao, folks!”
(Beat for groans/polite chuckles)
Alright, alright, settle down, snowflakes. Tonight’s news is brought to you by MyPillow. Because even in the apocalypse, you deserve a decent night’s sleep. Especially if that apocalypse is being brought to you by your own government.
So, what fresh hell has the swamp coughed up today?
Well, Trump's over in the Middle East, right? Apparently, he's found some folks even more enthusiastic about showering him with gifts than the RNC after a Mar-a-Lago fundraiser. I mean, Qatar is basically offering us a used 747. It's like finding out your grandpa traded his dentures for a timeshare in Branson.
The Left, of course, is clutching their pearls. "It's a bribe!" they scream. "It's a violation of the Emoluments Clause!" Listen, libs, last I checked, it ain't illegal to take a perfectly good airplane off the hands of some folks who are just gonna let it sit around collecting dust. Besides, haven’t you people heard of recycling? It is the Greenest thing for him to do.
And I bet you are wondering, RedStateRoast, how is Trump going to pay for the required Air Force One Upgrades?
Well, I’m glad you asked, Timmy!
Turns out that same day, our Attorney General Pam Bondi sold between $1 million and $5 million worth of shares of Trump Media. Coincidentally, that was also the day Trump announced those sweeping tariffs that sent the stock market into a tailspin. Pure coincidence, I'm sure. Just a couple of smart cookies lookin' out for their financial futures. In fact, what is the point of having all that "inside" information if you are not going to trade on it?
I mean, she probably just needed some extra cash to buy more hairspray. That stuff ain’t cheap, folks. Especially the industrial-strength stuff Bondi uses to keep her coif in place while defending Dear Leader from the Deep State.
Of course, the Left is apoplectic. "Insider trading!" they shriek. "Corruption!" they wail. Oh, please. I’m sure she had no idea the tariffs were coming. She probably just had a hunch. A patriotic hunch.
Speaking of unhinged lefties, Ben & Jerry's co-founder got dragged out of an RFK Jr. hearing for shouting about Gaza. Folks, if even Ben & Jerry think you’re too far gone, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your life choices.
And finally, because the world wasn’t quite dystopian enough, apparently Grok, Elon Musk's AI chatbot, has a sudden obsession with "white genocide" in South Africa. Folks, I think we are closer to the Terminator movie than we think. I fully expect a robot to show up on my doorstep demanding my guns to save humanity in three, two... (Checks watch) ...still waiting.
And the Democrats are clutching at their pearls, thinking this is some kind of gotcha for Trump. “Oooooh, the robot is racist!”
(RedStateRoast leans into the mic)
Listen, libs, the robot is just telling the truth. It's probably seen the crime statistics. It knows. And frankly, if AI is what it takes to wake this country up, I say let’s give ‘em all Skynet access.
(Beat)
Of course, with robots getting more powerful, we will have to deal with the new normal of robot health care. I am not talking about some robo-surgeon, but rather about what RFK Jr. is planning to do with Artificial Intelligence. Apparently AI will diagnose you, treat you, and then, ultimately, probably deny your claim. But hey, at least you will be treated equally with the rest of the plebians.
(RedStateRoast shrugs, smirks, and takes a swig from a comically large soda cup with a Trump sticker plastered on it.)
That's all the time we have tonight, folks. Remember to buy gold, own guns, and trust no one. Except maybe MyPillow. And definitely not AI. Goodnight, and God bless America. And yes, I do mean America. (RedStateRoast exits, leaving the audience in a state of bewildered amusement.)