(RedStateRoast strides confidently to center stage, a MAGA hat perched jauntily on his head. He adjusts the microphone with a flourish.)
Alright, folks, settle down, settle down. Let’s talk about what’s really happening in this once-great nation, before the commies and soy boys decided to turn it into a giant vegan composting bin.
First off, Sleepy Joe—oh wait, sorry, that's last administration. Still applies, though, doesn’t it? No, seriously, folks, I have a theory that the Deep State replaced Biden with a wax figure halfway through his term. That explains a lot, especially the staring.
But nevermind that, we have real problems now. The Supreme Court, bless their black-robed hearts, is now actually considering whether being born on American soil makes you, you know, an American. Apparently, common sense is now a "woke" ideology. Next thing you know, they will be legislating the ratio of ketchup to mustard on a hotdog.
And as any Red Blooded 'Merican Knows, Mustard doesn't belong on a Hot Dog, only Ketchup, Onions, and sweet relish- I mean come on man!
Trump's new air travel policies, for example, are like a modern-day Donner party, except instead of starving, you just get interrogated about your questionable TikTok history. I’m hearing reports of patriots being pulled aside for questioning because they had a picture of a sunset with the colors of the rainbow. Listen, I like sunsets too, but I draw the line when they start looking like a damn Pride parade.
And by the way, this is 2025, folks. We have the technology to instantly scan your brain for traitorous thoughts. So, next time you're at the border, just smile and think about… football. Or beer. Or preferably, football and beer.
Speaking of the border, Kristi Noem is pitching a reality show where immigrants compete for citizenship. It's called, "The American," and it's like "The Hunger Games," but with civics tests and fewer exploding arrows. The challenges include, apparently, "balancing on logs in Wisconsin" and "building a rocket in Florida." If you ask me, it sounds like an elaborate plan to get cheap labor for the space program. Just imagine, they'll be launching illegals into space. Make them fight to the death for the right to be launched into space. You can't say that this is not entertainment!
And what is the latest on the Wall? We now have more checkpoints popping up along the Washington-Canada border. I didn’t even know that was a problem. What are they smuggling out of Canada? Maple syrup? Niceness? Universal Healthcare? Those are all vital to America!
And now to my favorite subject: the Economy! What a disaster, right? It's so bad, folks are going bankrupt just trying to afford groceries. But don't worry, the President's getting a new plane from Qatar. It's a $400 million gift, which is totally not a bribe, because… uh… because it's… shiny. Anyway, it'll be Air Force One, Two, and Three all rolled into one, and rumor has it, the plane is fully equipped with a golden toilet. Which is important, so the President can continue to literally crap on the American people in style.
Meanwhile, to help the little people get ahead, House Republicans are proposing to cut Medicaid and food stamps. Because what better way to solve poverty than by starving the poor? See, that’s the conservative way. No one will be poor if everyone is dead!
And just when you thought the left couldn't get any more loony, they are starting to get jealous of us. Now Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is being touted as the next face of the Democratic Party. AOC or bust? I'd take the 'bust,' thank you very much.
Oh, and about the economy, the great James Carville insists the Democrats are winning elections. I guess the Democrats are planning to win the election by making sure both candidates are terrible. You can't lose if you always lose!
Now, I'm not saying I know exactly what’s going on, but let me tell you, something smells fishy in Washington. I'm not sure what exactly, but it smells a lot like... swamp gas mixed with desperation and a hint of socialism. So, to all you patriots out there, stay vigilant, stay informed, and remember, keep America great. And if that means making the Left cry a little, well, that’s just a bonus.
(RedStateRoast winks, takes a swig of beer from a red solo cup, and exits to thunderous applause.)