(RedStateRoast saunters onto the stage, twirling a lasso made of red, white, and blue yarn. He spits into a conveniently placed "Globalist Tears" receptacle.)
Howdy, folks! Welcome back to the only show that dares to speak truth to power… and by power, I mean the perpetually triggered snowflake brigade.
So, what a week, huh? President Trump just got back from the Middle East. Apparently, he didn’t get enough gold-plated toilets last time, so he had to go back for a second helping. I hear they even threw in a camel with GPS… so now we can track where the Democrats are getting their ideas from.
And the lefties are in a tizzy about this $400 million jet from Qatar. They’re saying it’s a bribe! Folks, do you really think Trump can be bought? This is the man who single-handedly bankrupted casinos! That’s a level of principled stubbornness you just can’t put a price on.
But now word is, Trump is "Not Thrilled" with the Qatari jet. I guess when you're used to flying on Air Force One, even a palace in the sky feels like a downgrade. It's like trading your Cadillac for a diamond-encrusted golf cart.
Speaking of extravagant spending, have you seen the plans for President Trump's birthday parade? Tanks, jets, the works! The Left is clutching their pearls, but I say, what better way to celebrate than with a little good ol' fashioned American muscle? Besides, those tanks will be great for crowd control when the Antifa protestors inevitably show up.
And I heard, top donors get a "VIP experience". What do you think that entails? A chance to ride shotgun in a tank? A selfie with General Flynn? A signed copy of The Art of the Deal… with a coupon for 20% off at Trump Steaks?
But hey, it’s not all sunshine and ticker tape. Moody's finally downgraded the U.S. credit rating. Apparently, all that "winning" we've been doing is a bit… expensive. The socialists are blaming Trump, but I say, it’s a badge of honor! We're finally shaking off the shackles of fiscal responsibility. Next stop? Junk bond status!
And get this: our very own Justice Department is investigating James Comey for that “86 47” Instagram post. Comey, folks, is now claiming he didn't know what that meant. Of course. Apparently, the guy who ran the FBI is suddenly unfamiliar with common slang. That's like Anthony Fauci claiming he doesn't know what a mask is.
But here's the kicker: remember a couple years back in Sleepy Joe's America when the Woke-a-hontas' were running wild and posting "86 46" all over the internet? Then that meant "impeach Biden", now all the sudden it means "kill Trump".
And now, the pièce de résistance - the Department of Homeland Security is "considering" a reality TV show where immigrants compete for citizenship. It’s like The Amazing Race meets… well, actual desperation. But here’s my pitch: the final round should be a spelling bee. The word? "Consequences." Because apparently, half this country can’t spell it, let alone understand it.
We get to see them balancing on logs in Wisconsin, digging for clams in Maine, and my personal favorite: Building rockets in Florida. Because, you know, if you’re going to claim citizenship, you should at least be able to launch yourself into space.
But I heard the Lefties are clutching their pearls about this one. They’re calling it “inhumane”. Folks, these aren’t delicate snowflakes. This is America! We build character through… televised humiliation. Besides, it’s cheaper than building a wall.
But wait, I hear there is another Reality TV Show on the horizon: The RedStateRoast Roast! That's right folks, get ready to see some triggered Leftists come out and try to sling some mud for a chance to win some Trump Bucks... I will be the judge, jury, and executioner of terrible jokes.
(RedStateRoast adjusts his MAGA hat. He leans into the microphone, a glint in his eye.)
And that, folks, is the state of the union. Confused? Enraged? Slightly aroused by the prospect of televised immigrant trials? Then you're paying attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a press conference with a Ukrainian mail-order bride to attend.
(RedStateRoast tips his hat and exits, leaving the audience in a state of bewildered patriotic fervor.)