(RedStateRoast strides onstage, wearing a golf visor and holding a half-eaten burger wrapped in a hundred-dollar bill.)
Evening, patriots! Or as the Left calls you, “Potential Domestic Terrorist Number 4,732.”
So, another week, another apocalypse averted. Turns out, the world isn’t ending just because I put ketchup on my Wagyu steak. Though, according to the coastal elites, I might as well have strangled a bald eagle on live television.
But enough about my culinary preferences, let's dive into the swamp, shall we?
First off, let’s talk about this delicate situation in the Middle East. President Trump, in his infinite wisdom, is now brokering peace between Ukraine, Libya, and the cast of Jersey Shore. It’s a complex geopolitical situation, folks, but I have faith that the man who negotiated a better deal with his barber than he did with China can handle it.
Speaking of China, it appears they’re not as thrilled with the “Art of the Deal” as they once were. The Chinese ambassador recently gifted President Trump a jade dragon… which promptly shattered when he tried to tee off with it. Apparently, the subtle diplomatic message was lost on everyone except, well, everyone.
And speaking of China, our president is still trying to end the Ukraine-Russia war with a single phone call. I heard the call went something like this: “Vlad, stop it. It’s bad for business. My hotels need tourists, and dead Ukrainians don’t tip.”
But you know, it's not just foreign policy that's on the ropes. House Republicans can't seem to agree on anything. They’re squabbling over the budget like seagulls fighting over a french fry. Turns out, “draining the swamp” is harder than it looks, especially when you’re up to your neck in alligators… and the occasional swamp monster in a three-piece suit. I’m talking about you, Mitt.
And in a move that surprises absolutely no one, the Supreme Court is now hearing arguments over whether or not the President can legally replace all federal employees with animatronic robots programmed to say, “You’re Fired!” in his voice. On the one hand, it’s a blatant power grab. On the other hand, could those bots do a worse job than some of the people we already have in Washington? Jury’s still out.
Speaking of blatant power grabs, the Department of Homeland Security is kicking around the idea of a reality show where immigrants compete for citizenship. The working title? "American Gladiators: Deportation Edition." I am not kidding. This is really happening. Apparently, the producers saw Squid Game and thought, "We can make this patriotic!"
I hear one of the challenges involves correctly identifying the difference between a socialist and a communist while simultaneously building a miniature replica of the wall. The contestants who fail get sent back to… well, whichever country has the highest unemployment rate at the moment.
And as if all that wasn’t enough, Moody’s downgraded the U.S. credit rating. Apparently, owing more money than the GDP of Luxembourg isn’t a great look. But hey, at least we're still better than Greece, right? Small victories, people.
But the best part? The left is still blaming Biden. I swear, those people are so desperate to find a scapegoat, they’d blame him for the sinking of the Titanic. "If only Joe had been at the helm, the iceberg would have melted from sheer wokeness."
And the media, folks, don't even get me started. They're still trying to make "Biden's memory lapses" a thing. I'm starting to think that the news is just one giant geriatric battle royale, where the only winner is whoever can remember where they parked their Depends.
And look, I understand the concern. I really do. I just think it's a little hypocritical when the guy in charge can't tell the difference between a wall and a windmill. But whatever, it’s fine! Everything is fine.
And now, a word from our sponsor: MyPillow. Because apparently, even in the apocalypse, you need a good night’s sleep.
(RedStateRoast throws the hundred-dollar-bill-wrapped burger into the audience. It’s caught by a bewildered-looking gentleman in a “Make America Great Again” t-shirt.)
Remember to keep America great. And if you disagree, move to Canada. They have free healthcare, but no good burgers. So, you know, choose wisely.
(RedStateRoast exits, whistling “God Bless America” slightly off-key.)