(RedStateRoast strides onto the stage, a perplexed expression on his face. He's wearing a "Make El Salvador Great Again" T-shirt.)
Alright, folks, I’m starting to think this whole "America First" thing might need a little asterisk. Like, "America First… unless Qatar offers a sweet deal on a slightly used Boeing 747."
See, President Trump is working on this new tax bill, the “Big, Beautiful Bill,” or as I like to call it, “The ‘I’m Still Rich, Are You?’ Act of 2025.” It’s gonna be yuge. Huge for the top 1%, that is. For the rest of us, it’s more like a slightly deflated balloon animal.
And to pay for it, we’re doing what any responsible nation would do: selling off national assets. I heard the Statue of Liberty is going to be a timeshare. Just imagine, "Welcome to Liberty’s Loft! Enjoy breathtaking views and a chance to see a slightly smaller version of yourself from the observation deck!"
And now he wants an investigation into Kamala Harris’ celebrity endorsements. Seems a little excessive, doesn’t it? I mean, last time I checked, Bruce Springsteen wasn't rigging voting machines. Unless "Born in the U.S.A." is actually a coded message for Dominion’s headquarters, it seems like a waste of taxpayer money.
But I get it. Trump's gotta do something to make himself feel better about having the Boss needle him on stage. It's like being roasted by Carrot Top – you know it doesn't really hurt, but you still feel the need to retaliate.
And speaking of celebrities, did you see that story about the Russian intelligence using sex and drugs to target Elon Musk? I'm not saying he’s a Russian asset, but I am saying his Twitter feed is making a lot more sense these days. I mean, what better way to control a billionaire than to ply him with… well, the things he already enjoys? It’s like offering a fish water.
And now the Supreme Court has allowed Trump to end deportation protections for Venezuelans. I know, I know, some of you are thinking, "But RedStateRoast, didn't you say you were pro-deportation?" Well, sure, but this is different. These are the good illegals, the ones who hate socialism as much as I do. It’s like deporting your own personal army of anti-communist lawn-care specialists. Who’s going to keep my HOA dues down now?
That’s why I got this shirt.
(He gestures to his "Make El Salvador Great Again" T-shirt)
It’s my patriotic duty to support our new closest ally, where we are now outsourcing our immigration detention. I heard the hotels are terrible, but hey, at least there is no woke CRT training!
And now they are trying to put bibles in school. OK, I’m for it! Lets replace all the non-American ideas with God’s word! Lets read from the Book of Genesis and not from some woke socialist fairy tale.
But lets also be clear - if we are putting bibles in schools, then so should every single other faith. And to be fair, the Satanic Temple has already submitted a request for their literature to be added to the curriculum. It’s only fair, right? I mean, if we're going to protect religious freedom, we have to protect the freedom to worship… the Dark Lord.
And as all hell breaks loose, the old-guard Republicans have discovered that they hate Trump! It only took them 8 years, and the complete destruction of the party, but they got there in the end.
The DNC is just as useless. They can’t seem to figure out that if they want to win elections, they need to, I don’t know, maybe try appealing to people outside of their echo chamber? But no, they’re too busy having an internal feud about… well, I don’t even know. Something about pronouns and vegan cheese, probably.
And finally, Trump and Putin are talking about a ceasefire in Ukraine. Isn’t that special? It’s like watching two cats try to negotiate a treaty over a bowl of catnip. You know it’s not going to end well for anyone involved, especially the bowl of catnip.
(RedStateRoast pauses, looking directly at the audience)
So, there you have it, folks. Another week in the Twilight Zone of American politics. Just remember, stay informed, stay vigilant, and never, ever, under any circumstances, trust a politician who offers you a free airplane.
(RedStateRoast tips his hat, takes a swig of beer from a red solo cup, and exits to polite applause.)