(RedStateRoast swaggers onstage, clad in a custom-made suit featuring a repeating pattern of "$175 Billion" bills. He coughs dramatically into a silk handkerchief embroidered with the words "Liberal Tears.")
Well, hello there, patriots and… others. It’s me, RedStateRoast, here to make sense of the madness for you, because frankly, someone has to. I’m starting to think I’m the only one left who can tell the difference between a fact and a CNN headline.
So, President Trump, fresh from his latest round of golf diplomacy – apparently, hitting a Titleist further than Xi Jinping is now a cornerstone of US foreign policy – is back in Washington, trying to wrangle the House Republicans. And folks, let me tell you, it's like herding cats… who are also on meth.
He went up to Capitol Hill to pimp his "Big, Beautiful Bill," which I believe is now legally required to be written in all caps and followed by three exclamation points. It’s so beautiful, so big, it makes the Grand Canyon look like a pothole. And it’s got everything: tax cuts for the job creators, spending cuts for… well, everyone else, and a hefty dose of good old-fashioned American exceptionalism.
Of course, the Democrats are screaming bloody murder, claiming it’ll bankrupt the nation. Which, let's be honest, might actually be a good thing. I mean, have you seen the garbage they’re spending our money on? At least if we're bankrupt, we can just tell the woke mob, "Sorry, can't afford your gender studies program. Try GoFundMe."
And what is the Left complaining about? Well, aside from the fact that it was authored by a Republican, they are whining the plan will cause the US debt to grow from a meager 36 Trillion to a whopping 41 Trillion. Folks, I think they are missing the forest for the trees, for the Democrats that is a small price to pay for sticking it to the Woke Mob.
And speaking of woke, did you see that Kristi Noem, our illustrious Secretary of Homeland Security, apparently thinks "habeas corpus" is a trendy new exercise routine? I'm guessing it involves a lot of squats and a complete disregard for the Constitution. I’m not sure if she is getting her legal advice from Trump University or PragerU, but, I’m not sure which is more terrifying.
It is just a little concerning that the person in charge of national security can’t define one of the most fundamental principles of American law. Then again, maybe it's a strategic move. How can you be accused of violating someone's rights if you don't even know what those rights are? Checkmate, libtards!
And let's talk about Elon Musk, shall we? Our favorite spacefaring, Twitter-owning, Trump-loving billionaire has announced he's cutting back on political spending. Apparently, he's "done enough." I guess single-handedly swinging an election and turning a social media platform into a right-wing echo chamber is a tough job.
Now word on the street is, Musk will be taking a step back to focus on Musk-related things, like trying to convince us that living on Mars is a good idea. The dude is probably packing up all his things to move to Mars, in case of Nuclear War here on Earth.. I get it, a world full of humans is not for him, you'd have to deal with human emotions and maybe even, oh God, empathy! So maybe he is onto something, and if he succeeds in building a colony on Mars, I'm the first one to sign up!
And speaking of Mars, did you hear about Trump's new "Golden Dome" missile defense system? Apparently, it's going to protect America from… space lasers? Alien invasions? The Green New Deal? I'm not entirely sure, but I do know it's going to cost $175 billion. Which, in Washington terms, is basically pocket change.
Folks, $175 Billion is a small price to pay for defending ourselves against the inevitable Martian invasion. I, for one, welcome our new Elon Musk overlords.
But don’t worry, the Democrats are on it. They’re launching a new initiative to counter the GOP's online clout. Apparently, their strategy is to… throw more money at the problem. Because that always works. I can see it now: armies of woke bots flooding Twitter with hashtags like #Resist and #Equality. The Left is going to win the internet war by being louder and more annoying. That's what worked last time, right?
And speaking of failing strategies, President Trump tried to sell the Middle East peace to his base. I heard the message was so boring and confusing that it actually put people to sleep. Which, is a bit problematic, especially when one is trying to sell something to their base.
And that, folks, is the state of the union. A beautiful, big, bill, a brainless DHS secretary, a billionaire backing away from the abyss, and a whole lot of money being thrown at problems that money can’t solve. But hey, at least we have a president who's not afraid to tell it like it is… even if what he's saying makes absolutely no sense.
(RedStateRoast takes a deep bow, adjusts his "175 Billion" suit, and exits stage left, leaving the audience to ponder the absurdities of American politics.)