(RedStateRoast strides onto the stage, a disconcertingly large American flag pin gleaming on his lapel. He leans into the mic, his voice dripping with mock sincerity.)
Well, folks, another day, another descent into the gloriously stupid. I’m RedStateRoast, and tonight we’re serving up a steaming platter of… this.
(Gestures vaguely at everything.)
First up, the Supreme Court. You know, that bastion of impartial jurisprudence where blind justice is only slightly hindered by the fact that at least three justices are currently accepting Venmo requests for favorable rulings. They’ve decided that Trump can fire the heads of independent labor agencies. Which, I gotta say, is fantastic news for anyone looking for a new hobby. May I suggest competitive thumb-twiddling? It’s the only job sector growing faster than the national debt.
The Left is losing it, of course. “Tyranny!” they cry. “The end of democracy!” Guys, relax. It's not tyranny. It’s streamlined tyranny. Think of it as the Uber Eats of oppression. Just a few taps on your phone, and boom, due process is gone.
Speaking of being fired, the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office, bless their bureaucratic hearts, ruled that Trump broke the law by impounding money meant for EV chargers. See, the Green New Deal isn’t dead, it’s just on life support, being administered by a guy who probably thinks an electric car is powered by hamsters on tiny treadmills.
And speaking of hamsters, the North Dakota governor, God love him, accidentally vetoed the state’s housing budget. Apparently, he meant to nix a $150,000 grant for a Native American homelessness liaison position. Small typo, really. Just a slight miscalculation in the grand scheme of things. I mean, who needs houses when you can have… well, $150,000 less for those pesky Indians who are, after all, homeless anyway.
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, our fearless leader is back, sweet-talking Republican lawmakers with the subtlety of a rhinoceros tap-dancing in a china shop. He’s pushing his “Big, Beautiful Bill” – a piece of legislation so beautiful, it makes the Mona Lisa look like a rejected Snapchat filter.
Apparently, it’s so beautiful, even Senate Republicans are having second thoughts. Ron Johnson, Rand Paul, Collins, Murkowski – the usual suspects are “raising alarm bells.” Don’t worry, folks. They’ll cave. They always do. Resistance is futile when the Kool-Aid is spiked with promises of future Fox News appearances.
And speaking of questionable financial decisions, our President is apparently hosting a dinner for investors in his meme coin. A meme coin! In the Oval Office! I haven't seen that much blatant corruption since the last season of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
Each seat cost over a million dollars. I guess America really is for sale. Just make sure you pay in DogeCoin, because, let’s be honest, the dollar’s probably going to be worthless by next Tuesday anyway.
And for the grand finale, a real gem: the Trump administration is considering ending production of the penny. Finally! An end to those copper nuisances that clog our wallets and mock our spending power. I say, let’s go all the way. Let’s end production of all currency. We can just trade in signed copies of “The Art of the Deal.” They’re about as valuable as Confederate money these days.
Oh, and before I forget, shout-out to Ilhan Omar, who, when asked about a fatal shooting near the Israeli Embassy, simply… walked away. I mean, who needs to answer questions when you can just express your feelings through interpretive dance?
(RedStateRoast pauses, takes a long sip from his Trump-branded soda, and sighs dramatically.)
Folks, I’m starting to think the only thing holding this country together is duct tape and sheer denial. But hey, at least we’re entertaining. Tune in tomorrow, when we’ll discuss why Trump is now personally auditing every Starbucks in the country for signs of “latte-based radicalization.” Good night, and God bless… or at least tolerate… America. (RedStateRoast exits, leaving a trail of vaguely unsettling orange dust.)