(RedStateRoast strides onto the stage, impeccably dressed in a suit made entirely of shredded copies of the Financial Times. He takes a long, theatrical sip from a comically oversized chalice filled with what appears to be motor oil.)
Greetings, fellow patriots! Or, as the Democrats now call us: “Economically Anxious Climate Deniers with Questionable Dental Hygiene.”
Let’s dive right into the week’s festivities, shall we? The House, in a rare display of unity – mostly fueled by the fear of a strongly worded tweet from Mar-a-Lago – managed to pass Trump and Johnson’s "One Big Beautiful Bill Act," or as economists call it: "The 'Please Don't Ask Us About the National Debt' Gambit." It's so big, so beautiful, it makes the original Ten Commandments look like a tweet.
Of course, the Left is in full meltdown. Pelosi’s calling it “Robin Hood in Reverse.” Which, frankly, is insulting to Robin Hood. At least he had a plan. This is more like robbing the poor and then using the money to buy a solid-gold trampoline.
And speaking of questionable spending, the U.S. Treasury just announced it's ceasing production of the penny. Apparently, it costs more to mint them than they’re worth. Finally, a government program that admits its own uselessness! It’s a miracle! Now, if we could only convince them to apply that logic to, say, the Department of Education.
But let’s not mourn the penny too much. It’s not like anyone actually uses them. I mean, when was the last time you saw someone pick up a penny off the sidewalk? Exactly. It’s practically a biohazard. Next thing you know, the CDC will be declaring a penny-related national emergency.
Over in academia, that bastion of free thought and non-GMO kale, a federal judge just blocked Trump’s ban on international students at Harvard. Apparently, keeping potentially dangerous foreigners out of our Ivy League schools is now considered “unchristian.” Or maybe it's just that those $80,000-a-year tuition checks from wealthy sheiks are too tempting to resist.
And to make matters worse, Hong Kong University is now offering those same Harvard students "unconditional offers." Unconditional! That's like offering someone a free lifetime supply of fortune cookies. Sure, it's tempting, but are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life deciphering cryptic, vaguely threatening messages?
But don’t worry, patriots, our esteemed leader is fighting for us. Just ask our new Secretary of Social Security, a man who, upon accepting the position, had to Google, "What is Social Security?" Folks, that’s the kind of outside-the-box thinking we need! Why hire someone who knows the job when you can hire someone who can search for the job on Google?
And just to prove he's serious about Social Security, the President is also considering opening up U.S. retirement plans to private equity. I mean, what better way to ensure a secure retirement than by handing your life savings over to a bunch of Gordon Gekko wannabes? It’s like trusting a pack of wolves to babysit your chihuahua.
And, because nothing says “responsible governance” like a good old-fashioned power grab, the White House is shrinking the National Security Council. Apparently, having too many experts around just gets in the way of… well, whatever it is they’re doing over there. I suspect it involves a lot of Sharpies and coloring books.
And then there’s the matter of international relations. President Trump, fresh from alienating every European leader with his latest tariff threats, is now embroiled in a bizarre feud with South Africa. Apparently, he showed President Ramaphosa a video of… well, nobody’s quite sure what it was a video of. Some say it was a mass burial in the Congo. Others claim it was footage from a particularly rowdy Renaissance fair. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t helpful.
But don't you worry! Our economy is going great, the Chinese are respecting us, and everything is just wonderful!
(RedStateRoast pauses, a mischievous glint in his eye)
And speaking of wonderful, did you hear that Jared Kushner’s father, Charles – yes, that Charles – has been confirmed as the new ambassador to France? Nothing says "diplomacy" like sending a convicted felon who once hired a prostitute to sabotage his brother-in-law’s marriage to represent the United States in Paris. I can see it now: Instead of ambassadors’ receptions, we’ll have ambassador’s interceptions. C'est magnifique!
(RedStateRoast winks, drains the last of his motor oil, and throws the chalice into the audience. It bounces harmlessly off a bewildered-looking man in a "Don't Tread on Me" t-shirt.)
Stay free, my friends. And remember, always trust your gut… unless your gut is telling you to invest in Trump-branded NFTs. Then maybe seek a second opinion.