(RedStateRoast strolls onto the stage, a half-eaten corn dog impaled on a tiny American flag. He squints at the audience.)
Well, hello there, patriots… and whatever you are. I’m RedStateRoast, here to sift through the week’s news before it rots and becomes compost for the Green New Deal. And speaking of things that stink, have you seen what’s happening in Washington?
President Trump, fresh from his weekly re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg—this time, he claims he almost single-handedly repelled Pickett’s Charge—is now embroiled in a heated debate with the European Union. Apparently, those cheese-eating surrender monkeys aren’t too keen on his new 50% tariff on… well, everything. Look, I’m not an economist, but I do know that tariffs are like putting ketchup on a fine steak: it ruins everything.
Now the EU says it must be based on ‘respect not threats,’ to have any sort of trade deal with the US. Well, I say its time to show them what the American boot tastes like!
The Left is losing its mind, saying it will trigger a global recession. As if that’s something new. I think the Left likes the idea of a global recession, that way they will be able to put in their Socialists policies. But never fear, China is here. As the U.S. pulls back from the world stage, China’s forging alliances left and right. Soon, instead of “Made in China,” we’ll be seeing “Made in the New World Order, Presented by Xi Jinping.”
Meanwhile, back in the good ol’ US of A, Trump delivered a speech at West Point. Now, I’m not usually one for flowery prose, but I gotta say, it was… something. He talked about trophy wives, drag shows, and Al Capone. It was like a fever dream directed by a guy who just binged watched The Sopranos on Truth Social.
And I love the way he was bragging about knowing how to do it from his West Point speech. Yeah, I bet he does
As if that wasn’t enough, he also managed to enrage… well, pretty much everyone, by showing that clearly-not-photoshopped video of a white genocide in South Africa to the South African president himself. Real smooth move, Donny. I bet that made for some riveting dinner conversation.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: "RedStateRoast, isn’t that just a tad bit racist?" And to that, I say: "Look, I'm just reporting the news! Besides, I hear Trump gave the South African president a participation trophy afterwards. It had a picture of a burning cross on it.”
And in other news, the Texas Senate is poised to require the Ten Commandments in public schools. You know, just in case kids forgot that stealing and lying are frowned upon. As if public schools can't push whatever ideology they want with no consequences. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for teaching kids the Bible, but maybe we should start with the parts about turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor.
And, the Democrats are starting to have a bit of a crisis of faith. Former Congressman Dean Phillips is accusing the party of “covering up” Biden’s declining health. I’m shocked, shocked to find that political operatives might, just might, be bending the truth to win an election. It is the Democrats we are talking about, I am surprised that the Republicans are not doing it.
Speaking of the Democrats, check out this comment from Tim Walz: “your cost of eggs … has nothing to do with someone’s gender.” Whoa! That statement is practically treasonous to the Liberal Mob. I agree that if you are having trouble affording eggs, you should switch to the more cost effective Quail Eggs.
But, they must be organic.
In the latest chapter of the great Hunter Biden Memorial Burisma Files, the House Republicans have decided that its actually good to dig into that barrel of laughs. "The Biden Cover-Up." As if they haven't investigated that already.
And then there's Jon Stewart, bless his heart, with his dark prediction for how the Trump story ends. Something about Trump “burning our f***ing country down for insurance money.” Sounds about right. Frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to sell the naming rights to the Lincoln Memorial to the highest bidder. "Welcome to Trump Plaza: Where History Gets a Golden Shower."
On the Bright Side, Elon Musk says he is going to "Slow Down on Political Spending," as he claims he has "done enough." I'm thinking the words should be "Damage" and not "Enough." I hope the Right isn't getting ready to do what the Left does: Obsess over celebrity takes.
And the news just keeps coming - the DOJ is accused to be cutting public safety grants and the president has his heart set to destroy Harvard. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.
The bottom line is this: America is like a reality show where the producers have lost control of the plot. We’re all just waiting for the inevitable train wreck… or, in this case, a golf cart running over a pile of classified documents.
(RedStateRoast takes a bite of his corn dog, chews thoughtfully, and stares into the camera.)
So, to all you patriots out there, stay vigilant, stay armed, and remember, the only thing standing between us and total chaos is… well, me. And a whole lot of