(RedStateRoast swaggers onto the stage, a miniature golden dome perched precariously on his head. He’s wearing a “Make America Medieval Again” t-shirt.)
Howdy, deplorables! Or as the coastal elites call you, "The reason we need to move to New Zealand."
Another week, another political dumpster fire seasoned with a dash of good ol' fashioned American exceptionalism. What a time to be alive, folks. Though, if the Left gets their way, most of us won’t stay alive for very long.
So, President Trump, fresh off his latest victory in the ongoing war against… well, whatever’s trending on Truth Social this week… is now facing a new crisis: Diabetics. Yes, you heard me right. Turns out, all those MAGA rallies fueled by corn syrup and existential dread have taken their toll. And now, his FDA chief is suggesting diabetics should take cooking classes. Because, clearly, the solution to a chronic illness is a Pinterest-worthy frittata.
I can see the classes now: "Cooking for Conservatives: Recipes That Trigger Liberals." First up? A seven-layer dip made entirely of red meat and white privilege. Followed by gluten-free, soy-free, taste-free kale chips shaped like the American flag. And for dessert? A deep-fried Twinkie topped with… more bacon.
And look, I get it. Trump wants to address the healthcare crisis. But suggesting cooking classes to people who can barely afford insulin is like offering a drowning man a participation trophy. I have an idea. Let's have pharmaceutical ceos take cooking classes and we can feed them to the sharks.
Speaking of people who deserve a stern talking to… or maybe a one-way trip to El Salvador… what about that police officer who wrongfully arrested an undocumented teen? Now, I'm not saying I condone illegal immigration. But I am saying that arresting someone for… existing… is a tad excessive. Especially when you could be out there arresting real criminals, like… uh… people who wear Crocs in public. That's a crime against fashion, folks. A crime against humanity, even.
But speaking of El Salvador, word is that the prison chief in charge of handling our deportees is… less than reputable. Apparently, he enjoys negotiating with gangs. Which, I guess, is one way to keep the peace. Sort of like outsourcing law enforcement to the Crips and the Bloods. I'm sure that'll end well.
And then there's Putin. Oh, Putin. Our President is now claiming that Vlad has gone "absolutely crazy.” He’s warning of the downfall of Russia. I guess that means all those "beautiful" phone calls and back rubs at G20 summits weren’t enough to keep him in line. Who could have foreseen that cozying up to a ruthless dictator would eventually backfire? Oh wait, everyone except President Trump.
Now, Trump is "weighing" sanctions against Russia. Which, in Trump-speak, means he’s probably asking his advisors how much a sanctions waiver would cost. It's all part of his master plan to broker peace in Ukraine… one gold-plated toilet at a time.
But don't worry, folks, it's not all doom and gloom. At West Point, Trump gave a speech that was… well, let's just say it was memorable. He managed to mention trophy wives, drag shows, and Al Capone all in the same breath. I’m pretty sure that’s a new record. It’s like he’s trying to cram every single Fox News talking point into a single, rambling monologue.
And Jasmine Crockett is calling on Republicans to question Trump’s mental acuity after the speech. You know things are bad when even a Democrat is suggesting that someone might be losing it. That's like finding out your doctor is recommending essential oils instead of surgery.
Then, to add insult to injury, Trump is now demanding the names and countries of all international students at Harvard. Because apparently, those pesky foreigners are stealing our jobs and… uh… our precious bodily fluids. Or something like that. I’m not entirely sure what the logic is here. But I am sure that it involves a lot of xenophobia and a complete misunderstanding of how universities work.
Perhaps it's because Barron didn't get in? Is that why we are pulling at this thread?
And then Trump's people are using this same information to end digital equality? Now, I don't want to sound like a socialist here, but I'm pretty sure access to the internet isn't something that should be kept from all Americans.
Which leads us to the real tragedy of the week: all those scientists who are losing their jobs because of Trump's cuts. It’s like we’re actively trying to sabotage our own future. But hey, at least we’re saving money… so we can buy more golden toilets.
As some foreign universities scoop up our best and brightest minds, just know that the U.S. is losing its status as a reliable country for investments! What an achievement!
And, of course, just to twist the knife a little further, Texas is now requiring the Ten Commandments in public schools. I guess they figure if they can’t teach kids how to read, they can at least teach them how to… covet their neighbor’s ox. All hail, Christian Nationalism!
(RedStateRoast pauses for dramatic effect. He removes the golden dome from his head and tosses it into the audience. It hits a guy in a "Don't Tread on Me" t-shirt square in the face.)