(RedStateRoast ambles onto the stage, looking deeply tanned and slightly disoriented. He's wearing a "Keep the Penny, Send Them Back" t-shirt.)
Evening, patriots! Or as they say in the Deep State, "Good evening, potential targets of federal data mining."
So, Memorial Day, huh? A solemn occasion to remember our fallen heroes. A day for quiet reflection… which is why President Trump spent it on Truth Social, ranting about “scum” judges and boasting about having “everything.” Apparently, "amazing the way things work out," means you, too, can exploit a national day of mourning for personal gain. God bless America! And God bless my real estate portfolio, which is definitely not underwater, according to my accountant, who I definitely pay.
And what says "honoring the fallen" more than reminding everyone how great you are? I mean, those soldiers may have given their lives, but did they get a $400 million jet from Qatar? I think not. Though, to be fair, they did get a free plot at Arlington. So, swings and roundabouts.
Of course, the Democrats are outraged. Outraged, I say! As if they wouldn't use a somber occasion to score political points. I'm half expecting AOC to release a line of limited-edition Memorial Day merchandise, featuring Che Guevara in camouflage. Proceeds to benefit… whatever cause is trending on TikTok this week.
And speaking of the perpetually offended, word is Kamala Harris is still seething over that video of Biden wearing a Trump hat. Apparently, even staged photo ops have rules now. You can't just go around fraternizing with the enemy, even if you’re too senile to know what hat you're wearing. Next thing you know, he will be wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt to the next state of the union.
Now, the House is still wrestling with the "Big, Beautiful Bill," which is about as beautiful as a tax audit. Apparently, Republicans are having trouble deciding which social program to eviscerate first. It’s like a Sophie’s Choice, but with Medicaid and food stamps. At this point, I'm pretty sure even Trump is telling them to dial it back. That's like Hannibal Lecter advising against seconds.
But fear not, they have come up with a loophole, they will just take Medicaid away from the “undeserving." So if you are poor with no kids, are not very old, then you have been officially deemed unworthy and the government has no obligation to take care of you.
Meanwhile, our pal Vlad Putin, fresh off a new barrage of attacks on Ukraine, has accused President Trump of “emotional overload.” That’s right, the guy who poisons dissidents and rigs elections is calling Trump unstable. I guess even dictators have standards. It's like finding out your cat is judging your hygiene.
But the real bombshell? Our very own Treasury Department is considering killing the penny! It's a bold move, folks. A desperate attempt to stimulate the economy by… eliminating a useless piece of metal. Apparently, we’ve run out of ideas. Next thing you know, they will be replacing the dollar with Dogecoin.
Just remember, we still do need to make more tanks, not T-shirts! You see, If there's one thing America needs, it's more military hardware. Because who needs affordable healthcare when you can have a fully operational Death Star? Besides, what better way to stimulate the economy than by… preparing for World War III?
And speaking of looming conflicts, our favorite punching bag, Harvard, is once again in the crosshairs. President Trump is now threatening to redirect $3 billion in grants to… trade schools. Because apparently, a nation of plumbers and electricians is somehow superior to a nation of lawyers and… gender studies professors. Plus, those trade schools are way more likely to name buildings after Trump. "The Trump Institute of Welding: Where We Make America Great, One Bead at a Time."
We should send all of the Harvard students to build the wall, as repayment!
Also, to make this all worse, RFK Jr's FDA head wants diabetics to get cooking classes over insulin. I am not sure if I should laugh or cry, it is absolutely insane. Also what is going on with Trump Jr, what is wrong with his teeth?
And, as if to prove that we're living in a simulation designed by a sadist, word is that George Santos has given up on getting a pardon and is heading to prison. I know, I know, you are saying, "but the Left cares about this". Well I am sure that the Democrats are sad their boogeyman is gone, there are so many other people who they can use to gain virtue points.
So, to all you patriots out there, enjoy your lukewarm hot dogs, your overpriced gasoline, and your rapidly declining faith in humanity. Because in the end, that’s all we have left. And remember, always trust your gut… unless your gut is telling you to vote for a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer.
I'm not sure what's next, but I do know a few things: - More Trump rallies. - More people buying his "get out of jail" crypto-coin. - More "look at me, I have everything!" posts.
And more Americans that are confused.
Good night, and God bless… this beautiful, dumpster fire of a nation. (RedStateRoast takes a bow, trips over the microphone cord, and is promptly whisked away by men in dark suits.)