(RedStateRoast bursts onto the stage, wearing a "Make El Salvador Great Again" t-shirt, backward. He's juggling three miniature golden domes and a can of "Liberal Tears" energy drink.)
Howdy, folks! RedStateRoast here, reporting live from the intersection of Stupid and Dumber, also known as Washington D.C.
So, it's Memorial Day. A day for somber reflection, for honoring those who gave the last full measure of devotion, for grilling hot dogs slathered in enough ketchup to make a vegan weep. And what better way to commemorate the fallen than by reminding everyone how amazing I am?
Yes, that’s right, folks. Trump spent Memorial Day doing what he does best: humble-bragging on Truth Social about how he "has everything." I guess that includes a complete inability to read the room.
It's true. The man does have everything. Multiple indictments, a $400 million jet from Qatar, a new "get out of jail free" memecoin. It’s the American dream, really.
Speaking of getting out of jail free, President Trump, in his infinite compassion, pardoned former Virginia Sheriff Scott Jenkins, convicted of fraud and bribery. Because, you know, nothing says "honoring the troops" like letting a crooked cop back on the streets. Maybe he can teach the cadets a thing or two about…asset forfeiture.
And the reasoning? Apparently, Sheriff Jenkins was a victim of the “overzealous” Biden DOJ. Which is ironic, considering the DOJ is about as effective at prosecuting Trump as a toddler is at disarming a nuclear bomb.
Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin, perhaps sensing a chink in Trump’s armor, has declared the President "emotionally overloaded." I guess Vlad is getting tired of the late-night phone calls demanding he "do something" about the Ukrainian Eurovision entry.
But hold on, folks, there's more!
To distract you from the utter chaos, the Treasury Department is now considering eliminating the penny. Apparently, we've decided that the best way to fix a broken economy is to get rid of the currency unit with the least purchasing power. I guess that’s one way to combat inflation: just make everything cost at least five cents.
And, because Trump is just a modern day Robin Hood, he's planning on redirecting $3 billion in Harvard grants to trade schools. That's right, folks, Harvard is out, welding school is in. Forget about Shakespeare and calculus; now we're teaching the next generation of Americans how to weld gold-plated toilets.
But wait, there's more! RFK Jr.’s FDA chief, Dr. Brainworm, now wants diabetics to take cooking classes instead of insulin. I assume the curriculum will include a unit on "alternative medicine" and a field trip to a goat placenta farm.
Oh, the humanity.
Meanwhile, across the pond, King Charles is reminding everyone that Canada already has a King. “Canada is strong and free,” he declared, subtly implying that the United States is… neither.
But never fear, the House has a plan to deal with the crisis. And it includes what? More fighting about Hunter Biden’s Memorial Burisma files. Because when the world is on fire, there's nothing more important than rehashing old conspiracy theories.
And speaking of crackpots, the House is set to hear evidence on "unidentified anomalous phenomena." I’m guessing the hearing will be chaired by Marjorie Taylor Greene, who will present irrefutable evidence that the aliens are actually space lizards sent by George Soros to steal our precious bodily fluids.
And finally, if you thought that this was the end, Texas is one-upping themselves: they now require the Ten Commandments in public schools. It’s the new, easy-to-remember curriculum: Don’t Steal, Don’t Kill, Don’t… commit adultery? Okay, maybe we skip that one. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's Ox? What if his Ox is really nice? In related news, Texas is now requiring the teachers to grade the children about which commandment the kids are breaking as of current!
(RedStateRoast pauses for breath, a manic grin on his face.)
So, what does all this mean? I have absolutely no clue. I’m just a humble comedian trying to make sense of a world gone mad. And by "gone mad," I mean run by a bunch of power-hungry clowns who are actively trying to destroy democracy. But hey, at least it’s entertaining, right?
So grab your popcorn, folks, because the apocalypse is gonna be televised. Or at least, live-tweeted.
(RedStateRoast bows deeply and exits stage left, still juggling the miniature golden domes. He mumbles under his breath, "If I drop one more of these, I swear to God...")