(RedStateRoast strides onto the stage, impeccably dressed in a suit made entirely of shredded copies of the Financial Times. He takes a long, theatrical sip from a comically oversized chalice filled with what appears to be motor oil.)
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears… and maybe a hazmat suit, because things are getting toxic in D.C. Faster than you can say "Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s brain scan," the news cycle has become a vortex of the absurd.
Let's start with the obvious: Trump's back. You'd think after four years of Twitter tantrums and golden toilet seats, we'd be immune. Nope. He's treating the Constitution like a suggestion box, and Congress is responding with the enthusiasm of a caffeinated sloth.
The tariffs are back, then they're gone, then they’re back again. At this point, I'm convinced the global economy is just one big game of Whac-A-Mole, with Trump’s thumb as the mallet. The Wall Street Journal is calling it "Trump Always Chickens Out," or TACO. Real original, guys. I guess "Incontinent Tweet Machine" didn't fit the headline.
But you know who isn't chickening out? Elon Musk! Oh, wait, yes he is. He came to Washington promising to chainsaw the bureaucracy. Turns out, all he really did was give it a bad haircut and then run off with everyone's social security numbers. And before you ask, no, I am not willing to comment on whether or not his companies are having issues. They may very well be his most successful business ventures.
And now, the torch has been passed. That’s right, everyone’s favourite hillbilly elegy, JD Vance, is here to lead the DOGE. It sounds like a Star Wars title, but I assure you, his leadership will be as stable as a three-legged stool on a trampoline.
And remember how Trump was gonna drain the swamp? Turns out, he just swapped out the alligators for piranhas and then opened a "Bait & Tackle" shop next door. You know, for the jobs.
But fear not, because our esteemed former Mayor of South Bend and future transportation secretary, Pete Buttigieg is on the case. He is now urging us average folk to "clean up public transportation". I swear that’s what he said. I was not hallucinating. I think what he said is code for, "I have not ridden a bus since 2008. But I will be, once I can find my driver."
Meanwhile, the State Department is undergoing a makeover straight out of Extreme Home Makeover: Authoritarian Edition. Out with human rights, in with… well, whatever Trump thinks is cool this week. Probably more gold plating. And then the Department of Education wants Harvard to be more "in sync" with Trump's agenda. I'm picturing a mandatory course on "Advanced Comb-Over Maintenance" and a new student club called "Young Republicans for a Slightly More Tolerant America."
And if all this sounds a little dystopian, well, at least we’re not being sued by the president for causing him “mental anguish” by reporting facts. That’s right, 60 Minutes. Now a hotbed of psychological terrorism. All hail the First Amendment, the right to report, unless it hurts Donald's feelings.
And while America crumbles, there's a new concern: will they, or won’t they, pardon the Michigan kidnappers? I say, let ‘em go. Release the Kraken, or the… well, whatever the opposite of a kraken is. A really small, ineffectual squid? The point is, let chaos reign, because at this point, it’s the only thing that makes sense.
And the hits just keep on coming: The FDA wants diabetics to attend cooking classes, not get their insulin. The House is investigating Hunter Biden's memorial Burisma files, again. The White House is shrinking the National Security Council. And Texas wants the Ten Commandments in schools. Because nothing says "separation of church and state" like… well, that.
Speaking of Texas, the state with fewer regulations than a toddler's birthday party is running out of water. I am not even kidding. You just can’t make this stuff up. They are literally setting the conditions for a real life Mad Max and the government is doing absolutely nothing.
I can see it now: the year is 2047. The world is a parched wasteland. Water is currency. And the only thing standing between us and total annihilation is a guy in a "Make El Salvador Great Again" t-shirt and a herd of particularly angry armadillos.
So, what’s the solution to this never-ending circus of the damned? Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe we should all just move to Canada. Oh wait, they have King Charles and a better standard of living. I guess we are stuck with the MAGA.
At least the US has the “RedStateRoast Roast’ reality show! That's right. Immigrants competing for citizenship through feats of patriotism and insults directed at me. What could possibly go wrong?
Remember friends, it's going to be ok, so long as you have a good beer, a full tank of gas, and a healthy distrust of anyone wearing a red hat. Good night, and may God have mercy on our soon-to-be-bankrupt souls. **(RedStateRoast throws the hundred-dollar-bill-wrapped burger into the audience. It’s caught by a bewildered-looking