(RedStateRoast swaggers onto the stage, now decked out in a full Boy Scout uniform… complete with a merit badge for “Advanced Twitter Trolling.” He salutes the audience with exaggerated sincerity.)
Howdy, fellow patriots and… other folks. RedStateRoast here, your friendly neighborhood truth-teller, ready to wade through the swamp of political spin. It's Memorial Day weekend, folks, a time for remembering our fallen heroes, firing up the grill, and complaining about the price of gasoline on Truth Social.
Now, President Trump, in a move that surprised absolutely nobody, spent the holiday weekend reminding us all that he has everything. Which, I gotta admit, is a bold strategy. I mean, what better way to honor the troops than by bragging about your ill-gotten gains and solid-gold commodes? It’s like giving a eulogy for your grandma and then launching into a sales pitch for Trump Steaks.
He also took some time to chat with his buddy Vlad Putin, because nothing says "American exceptionalism" like coordinating talking points with a KGB operative. And let's not forget the White House is now looking into a plan to let the President "shame" people he doesn't like.
But don't think for a minute that the Democrats are any better. AOC has her eyes on being the next Joe Rogan. Seems like the left is realizing they might need to be able to communicate effectively with someone besides other coastal elites and gender studies professors.
Our beloved Supreme Court, those bastions of impartiality and legal expertise, also weighed in this week, ruling that Trump can revoke the protections for over half a million immigrants, effectively turning them into deportation piñatas. But hey, at least we’re upholding the Constitution, right? Or at least, the parts of the Constitution that were written by slave owners.
And it only gets weirder from there.
RFK Jr., the poster child for “trust the science, but only the science that confirms my pre-existing biases,” has now unleashed a report so riddled with AI-generated nonsense that it makes InfoWars look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Apparently, you don’t need actual facts when you have a sufficiently advanced algorithm… and a healthy dose of paranoia.
Meanwhile, in Texas, lawmakers are now requiring the Ten Commandments in public schools. I guess they’re hoping that a little divine intervention will solve the state’s ongoing water crisis. Because what better way to end a drought than by reminding everyone that coveting thy neighbor's ox is a sin?
Elon Musk, bless his heart, has officially retreated from Washington, leaving behind a trail of broken promises, gutted agencies, and a lingering scent of ketamine. The best part? He claims he “didn’t always agree” with the Trump administration. It’s like saying you only mostly enjoyed burning down your neighbor’s house.
Turns out, it's not easy being a "government efficiency" expert when you're too busy battling bladder issues and shilling meme coins on Twitter. I hear his farewell speech involved a tearful rendition of “My Way” and a promise to launch Trump into orbit on a SpaceX rocket… for a small fee, of course.
And speaking of leaving, the State Department is now setting up an "Office of Remigration." Because apparently, “deportation” just wasn’t catchy enough. I’m guessing the office’s official mascot will be a one-way ticket to El Salvador and a complimentary “Make America Great Again” blindfold.
But don't worry about the logistics of all this. I'm sure Trump has a plan. He probably thinks he can just tweet the immigrants out of existence. "Sad! These people are very bad, very nasty, and not very smart. They are leaving. Believe me."
It’s like watching a slow-motion train wreck, except the train is the American experiment and the conductor is a reality TV star with a penchant for conspiracy theories and gold-plated toilets.
And just when you thought things couldn't get any more absurd, the FBI is now investigating an effort to impersonate White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles. What did the imposter say that gave her away? I bet it was something like "I am actually being serious" or "I feel empathy".
It's a wild, chaotic world out there, folks. But hey, at least we have the "RedStateRoast Roast" reality show to look forward to. I hear the contestants will be judged on their ability to build a wall out of chicken wire and flawlessly recite the Pledge of Allegiance backwards. The winner gets a green card and a lifetime supply of Trump Steaks. The losers? Well, they get deported to… Canada. Where they can enjoy free healthcare, legal weed, and the constant, nagging feeling that they should have stayed in America.
(RedStateRoast tips his Boy Scout hat, winks, and exits stage right, tripping slightly over a conveniently placed MAGA flag.)